if you can't hold on, hold on
by Fiercest
Summary: Sakura always wished she could relate to her teammates better. She wishes she could take it back. Team 7 comes together as a family in the wake of tragedy.
1. Chapter 1

**a/n:** In response to a prompt from mycherryqueen on tumblr. They wanted a genin fic. Which of course, because it's me, spawned an angsty genin AU.

 _if you can't hold on, hold on_

 **Summary** : Sakura always wished she could relate to her teammates better. She wishes she could take it back.

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She wakes up only to feel like she's still dreaming. It's like one of those nightmares where she can't move or scream, but desperately wants to.

Eventually she manages a gasp. It burns her lungs.

She feels crushed.

Her wide eyes stare at the ceiling. It's so white, it hurts. Her eyes dart around frantically until she regains use of her limbs.

She sits up a little, only to find movement unimaginably painful. Back against the pillows, she manages to turn her neck sideways to inspect a startling, sudden inhale.

She is unsurprised to find Naruto sniffling at her bedside. Big, wet eyes squint at her even as he wipes globs of snot from his nose. He snorts it up, practically hysterical. She's touched. She doesn't think she's seen him break down like that over anyone, not even Sasuke.

"It's okay," she tells him… or tries to. It comes out a rasp. Her throat feels so dry.

"Here." Gingerly, she turns to her other side. Sasuke is on his feet beside her, holding out a paper cup. "Help her sit up," he orders.

She shouldn't be shocked to see Naruto obey him, but she is. With more tenderness than she ever would have thought possible of someone so… exuberant, he slips an arm behind her shoulders and boosts her up.

Sasuke braces one hand on the back of her head and holds the cup to her lips. She blushes at his touch. She wants to take it from him, she feels to infantile, but at the same time it feels so nice to be cared for. This has never happened. She feels that the axis of their dynamic has shifted, but can't quite remember why.

"How long have I been out? What happened?" she croaks and blushes deeper, embarrassed to have Sasuke hear her discomposure.

"A week," Sasuks tells her tightly. It touches her to know he was worried.

"Have you guys been here the whole time?"

"Of course!" Naruto launches into a long explanation about the rest of the battle. He tells her all about Gaara, avoiding going into detail about how he'd beaten him. Awkwardly, he breaks the news about Sandaime-sama, but he finishes on a good note. There will be no war, Sand surrendered, Sound fled.

Sakura cries a few tears for the kind old man she grew up to serve.

"But it's all over now," she assures herself and them, "Everything will be okay now."

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A few hours later a nurse comes in, interrupting the awkward silence that had settled over the team. They don't have much to talk about with all of them lost in their own thoughts. The nurse checks Sakura's chart and tells her how pleased she is to see her awake.

"I'm so sorry about this Haruno-san," and it's so strange to hear someone call her that, "But we're going to discharge you." The nurse bites her lip guiltily. "Do you have someone at home who can watch out for you?"

"Oh, yeah. My parents," Sakura shrugs sheepishly. She looks at her boys and feels guilty for this fact. It's always uncomfortable when families come up. She tries not to mention it.

She's also trying hard not to think about it. They're not here, but they definitely threw a fit when they heard she was hurt. They were overprotective like that. She'd be lucky if she could get out from under their smothering for weeks yet. She almost wanted to apologize to Sasuke for the scene her dad probably made.

"Excellent, I'll bring back some papers for you to sign and then you're free to go." She points an accusatory finger at the boys in turn, "Walk her home. Don't stress her out."

When she leaves, Sakura volleys a stare back and forth between her teammates. "What was that about?"

Naruto pokes his pointer fingers together and avoids eye contact. "We miiiiight have gone a little overboard bugging the staff about you. Bastard over there kept yelling at people who wouldn't tell us what's going on because we're not 'family'." Airquotes accompany the word. "We're _teammates_! That's almost closer than family…!"

His voice slowly fades in the background and Sakura gazes at Sasuke. All she can thing is ' _He was worried about me!'_

He starts to look uncomfortable and her grin gets even more huge.

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Sakura walks home under her own power, but she can feel both her teammates hovering at her heels. A block from home she stumbles and finds a hand on each elbow. They've never treated her so delicately. It's starting to grate at her.

"Naruto, stop," she wrenches her elbow away from him but carefully doesn't jostle Sasuke's. She wouldn't want to insult him, even if it is equally annoying. "Really, I'm fine…"

"We know!"

"Hn."

When they arrive at her doorstep, all Sakura wants to do is hug her mom and dad and sleep. She doesn't invite them in, even though it's the polite thing. They've spent a week at her bedside and she should be grateful to know they care, but all she can think about is how once again, the two of them are fine. And she was the dead weight bringing them down. What did she do against Gaara? Nothing. It's pathetic.

"Bye, thank you."

"No problem Sakura-chan! Anytime. Ramen tomorrow?"

"…Maybe…"

"Give it a rest moron, she needs to recover."

"I _know_ ," he replies, spitefully.

Sakura sighs, a fond smile playing across her lips.

"Really, both of you…thanks."

After she's closed the door, her teammates remain for a moment.

"Did she seem off to you?" Naruto asked, staring at the house. All the lights are on, a cheery glow from every window.

"Hn." Though, he agrees.

"Maybe they shouldn't have let her out of the hospital yet, she-"

A sudden, blood curling scream echoes through the neighborhood.

"SAKURA!" Sasuke and Naruto shout back, scrambling for the front door.

 _What is it? An enemy ninja, hiding out in her house?_ A thousand scenarios flip through his head, each worse than the last.

He gets to the door first, but Naruto barrels right into it with his shoulder, breaking it down.

"Sakura! Sakura!" They shout frantically over each other, darting around.

As they pause to breath between shouts, they can hear heart rending hiccups and gasps coming from the room to the left. They follow the sound into what turns out to be the Harunos living room.

There, they find Sakura.

Two bodies have been thrown to the floor, like ragdolls. Sakura is wild, kneeling over her father's body, pumping his chest, over and over.

Kizashi is cold and gray, eyes staring, wide and unseeing, straight ahead. "Come on, come on."

Naruto kneels on Kizashi's other side and touches the carpet. His fingers come away rusty with crusted blood. Dried blood. They have lain here a while.

Sakura doesn't glance up to acknowledge their presence. She shows no signs of noticing them and never stops the chest compressions. She sniffs loudly, "It's okay, it's okay. It's a good thing we did that first aid training before the chunin exams so we could fix-" A hollow laugh, "It's going to be okay."

Her arms are strong, her compressions well-spaced and rhythmic. It's the perfect execution of the technique they were taught.

Sasuke stands stock still, staring at the other body. Sakura's mother lies in a similar patch of dried blood. He assumes it's her. Her head is missing.

He feels sick. This is too familiar. This is… how could this happen again? This was never supposed to happen to anyone else. How is Sakura supposed to deal with this? Sakura cries over stray cats and broken bones and stupid movies and him and Naruto. She's not equipped to handle something like this. It isn't fair. It _isn't_. What the hell happened here?

And for the first time, Naruto looks to him for answers, as if he were the preeminent expert on trauma. Which… he supposes he sort of is. "What do we do?"

Sasuke freezes. He honestly doesn't know. He's thrown back in time to being 8-years-old and running. Running until his legs gave out. Terror, crushing sadness and then numbness for a very long time.

Sakura seems to be labouring under the delusion that she can make a different, and isn't _that_ just like her. He frowns and tries to gather himself. His mouth tastes like bile and his head is spinning.

Naruto is still staring at him helplessly while Sakura tries to snatch her father back from death. It's long too late, but still she tries. She won't stop until they make her.

"Sakura," he says sharply. She automatically looks up, meeting his gaze. Her rhythm falters. She panics and forces her attention back to his chest, pumping with more fervor than before. "Sakura," she shakes her head and tears stream down her face. They land in splashes on her pale hands. There is blood between her fingers, sticky and brown.

Sasuke finds it within himself to kneel at her side. His hands grasp her wrists gently. "Sakura, you have to stop."

She ignores him, trying to shrug him off without stopping her task. "No, no I can't. I can't. I can't stop. I have to keep going! I-" a broken sob chokes off her words.

More gently than he's ever treated her, he moves his hands to her shoulders. The inexorable pull of his hands seems to trigger something in her. She closes her eyes to her father's corpse and throws herself into Sasuke's arms. She presses her face into his chest and cries. For a moment he freezes, completely out of his death, unsure how to react.

He and Naruto make eye contact. The other boy widens his eyes and exaggeratedly crosses his arms, hugging himself.

Sasuke's brows knit together in confusion and Naruto rolls his eyes. He does it again and points to Sakura.

"I under _stand!"_ Sasuke mouths angrily, "I just-!"

Looking at her, broken, he realizes he doesn't have a choice here.

His arms wind around her and hold her close. He rubs slow circles into her back, the way Itachi used to do for him. He doesn't even think about it, he just associates the sensation with comfort.

Naruto falls to his knees at Sakura's back and throws his arms around them both. Sasuke wants to complain. Naruto's arms are like hot pipes, he holds them all together. Against all odds, Sakura's tremors slowly calm. They remain like that for a while, an intertwined security blanket.

Eventually, Naruto stands. "What do we do?" he reiterates, "We can't let her stay here."

Sasuke grimaces, "I…We'll take her to my place."

"Why not my place?" Naruto demands.

"Your place smells like spoiled milk and body odour."

"Hey!"

"I have a spare bedroom."

This seems to appease his teammate.

"Hey, Sakura?" Naruto pokes her shoulder. "We're gonna get you some food okay?" at Sasuke's cutting look, "What? Food makes everything better." Nothing could make this better.

Sasuke helps her stand and supports most of her weight. Slowly, they make their way out of the room. Naruto, standing in front, starts turn around to look around the room, as if he were missing something.

"Don't-!"

Too late. Naruto had instinctually scoured the room… and found Mebuki's head, which had rolled into the corner, under a side table. Her eyes are closed, her lids blue.

Naruto turns green, covers his mouth and bolts from the room. The sound of him retching echoes around the lonely emptiness of the Haruno household.

Sakura's arm, slung around Sasuke's shoulder, trembles. "Let's leave. Please." And it's the quiet, despondent please that gets to him. He can feel it happening; Sakura, slipping away like smoke climbing skyward. Like maybe she's burning, waiting for the chance to float away.

They amble across town to his apartment. It's in a good neighborhood; safe and clean, a block away from the hospital. It's only on the second floor, so even while practically carrying Sakura, it's no trouble getting to it. It once belonged to two of his cousins. While all the Uchihas lived in the family district on the outskirts of the village, some retained additional residences. Keiko and Akira were both medics and sometimes it was easier to spend the night nearby than make the journey all the way across town. It's yet another extravagance left to a sole heir, and one of the few he makes uses of.

He couldn't bear to go back, after it happened. He doesn't suppose Sakura will want to either.

He places her on the couch and Naruto hovers nearby.

"I think," he clears his throat, it's suddenly dry. "Maybe we should go get Kakashi."

Naruto jumps at the chance to be useful. "I'll go. Stay with her?"

Sasuke makes the effort to roll his eyes, to pretend everything is normal for a moment and he's just annoyed at Naruto telling him to do something he was planning to do _anyway._

When he gone, Sasuke glances at Sakura and finds he's lost. What now? She's not crying anymore; she's just sitting there. Should he comfort her? He awkwardly lays a hand on her shoulder and she startles. The way she looks at him then, like she can't recognize him or her surroundings sends him into a familiar panic.

 _You are not eight years old anymore. You are not eight years old anymore. You are not eight years old anymore._

The air suddenly feels too thick, like the room is filling with smoke.

He closes the front door, with him on the other side, then slides to the ground.

Head in his hands, he can no longer keep himself from reliving That Day. He takes deep, shallow breaths and touches the cold tile of his hallway floor, to ground himself.

This isn't like that. This isn't like that _at all_.

It feels like hours, but also only minutes before he feels a hand ruffling his hair. He opens his eyes. Kakashi crouches in front of him, giving him as comforting a look as he can with just one eye.

"Yo."

"I don't think I've ever seen you cry before," Naruto says, not scornful, but awed. As if he had no idea Sasuke could.

He knuckles the tears away and clears his throat.

He had his moment and now it's over.

There is work to be done now.

"She's inside. What do we do?"

Kakashi seems to smile.

He leads the boys inside. They stay behind him, like they're hiding.

Kakashi approaches Sakura, who hasn't moved, even to slouch. "Sakura," he intones gently, but doesn't touch her. She looks at him like she looked at Sasuke, but it doesn't trigger the same surging wave of trauma. He offers her a smile. "May I get you cleaned up?" She has blood caked on her knees like mud. Her hands are rusty with it.

She presses her lips tighter together, but doesn't say no.

Slowly, so as not to startle her, Kakashi picks her up.

"Do you think one of you could go get Sakura a change of clothes? And I need another one of you to file a report," at this he raises his eyebrows meaningfully.

Someone needs to take care of the bodies. Over the past week, people have been pulled from the rubble, died from their injuries, they need to be identified. Protocol must be followed. The circumstances under which they were found must be recorded.

"I'll do the report," Naruto offers quickly, surprising everyone. Never in his life has he ever offered to do a single page of paperwork.

"You write like all your fingers are broken, I'll-"

"Sasuke, let me-!" he stops and looks away. "I don't think I can go back there…"

And he doesn't really blame him.

He doesn't want to go either.

But Sasuke considers himself the team leader and if he's learned anything from Kakashi-sensei, it's that leaders pick up the slack and take the most difficult tasks for themselves. You know, when they feel like it.

So Sasuke agrees and returns to the Harunos'.

Before today Sasuke had never been inside Sakura's house. He had walked her home- no, he hadn't. He had walked beside her when her home was on the way to his from wherever they were going.

He goes straight for the stairs and studiously keeps his gaze straight ahead, not letting it stray in the direction of the living room.

Going through her drawers, he feels like an invader. How much does she need?

She has shockingly little in the way of clothes. Her whole room is sparse, actually.

For the first time, he takes a moment to notice his surroundings. The house is small. Two cramped bedrooms and a bathroom on the top floor, a kitchen and living room on the bottom. It's sandwiched between two identical buildings.

All her furniture is very old, but well taken care of.

There's a cardboard box with a few weapons, polish, a whetstone and wire, haphazardly thrown together. He rolls his eyes, she should really take better care of-

Then he remembers it isn't the time.

He empties her dresser into a duffle he brought from home, she has a spare pair of shoes under her bed, he takes those too. In the bathroom he finds an overabundance of products. Why are there twelve moisturizers? He takes one; the biggest bottle since that seems the most practical, and her toothbrush.

Back in her room, he glances around for anything he missed. There's a knit blanket on her bed that looks ratty and hand made. He thinks about the stuffed cat he still has, stowed safely in his closet. The comfort of home might be helpful for her. He stuffs it in the bag.

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Back at Sasuke's Sakura sits on the edge of the bath, dead-eyed and dead tired.

Kakashi patiently scrubs her knees and hands with a towel soaked in warm water. "Sakura," he murmurs. She glances at him and he gestures at her neck. "You've got some-"

Her hand flies to her neck and comes away brown. Her eyes widen and breathing stops.

Kakashi shushes her. "Don't worry, I've got it." And with surprising gentleness, he cleans this too.

They hear the front door open and close, both look up at the sound. "That'll be Sasuke with some clothes for you. Why don't you shower? I'll go check on our boys." He winks conspiratorially at her, "Can't leave them alone too long."

She doesn't smile or give any indication she heard him, but he didn't expect her to.

Kakashi meets Naruto in the living room with the intention of regrouping. He's bent over his half-written report, so intent he doesn't even notice his sensei come in.

Soon, Sasuke enters from the direction of the second bedroom.

"You did the right thing bringing her here and coming to get me," Kakashi assures them. "I'm sure this was hard for you both… Especially you Sasuke," the boy shrugs a shoulder in uncomfortable deference. "This is a lot to deal with, but it's not going to be a priority for the village. It may be a while before Sakura can expect help from that quarter."

"What kind of help?" Naruto asks.

"He means she might have to be here a while… It might take some time before someone can collect the bodies." It had taken a week back then. A month to have the compound cleaned.

"That's fine, isn't it?" blue eyes shift between his male teammates.

"Hn," they take this as assent.

"Guys… I've been writing the report and… what do you think happened to them?"

"Probably a Sound or Sand nin who was hiding out, or went rogue. I'd have to take a look."

"So it was just random," and Naruto can't grasp that, how the world could be so haphazardly cruel.

.

.

"Has she been in there a while?" Naruto remarks after a long stretch of just the shower filling the silence.

There is a pile of clothes, untouched at the threshold of the bathroom. Sweatpants, a sweater, underthings. Sasuke probably put it there. For a moment he lets himself be touched by his students actions.

Kakashi's mouth forms a grim line beneath his mask and knocks on the door. "Sakura?" he calls as the boys crowd behind him. No answer. "Sakura, I'm coming in."

The door is unlocked. He picks up the pile of clothes and sets it on the counter as he approaches the shower, on the far wall. He doesn't bother to close the door behind him. Sasuke and Naruto crowd the frame, looking concerned.

Kakashi calls Sakura's name again, but they can see her outline through the translucent blue vinyl. She's curled up on the floor of the bath. Kakashi peers behind the curtain, but doesn't pull it back.

In the fetal position, head pressed against her arms is a very lost little girl. Her pink hair snakes over her shoulders and in her face. The water has begun to run cold, goose bumps pimple her skin all over.

Kakashi turns off the water and throws a towel over her. "Ok, that's enough." Ever gentle, he helps her to her feet, ensuring the towel protects her modesty. He helps her out of the bath and shoots the frozen boys a look. They scramble to avert their eyes.

Sasuke shoves Naruto out into the hall and dashes after him. Kakashi chuckles.

He helps Sakura dress and leads her by the shoulders, into the living room. When she sits on the couch of her own volition, Sasuke drapes a wool blanket over her head and shoulders. She holds it to her face and inhales. Her tears are quiet now and there is life in her expression.

 **a/n:** As always, feedback is appreciated! I'd also love some prompts in this verse as it will be mostly snapshots from here on out.


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n:** Er, dunno if you guys signed up for this, but it actually has a plot? And it's getting underway after this chapter. Here's some filler that we need to get through before we can get to the fun stuff!

Summary: _After Sakura's parents die during the Chuunin Exams attack, Team 7 makes the unilateral decision to move into Sasuke's. Without actually consulting him._

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Sakura comes back to herself over the course of three days.

She refuses to eat for the first day and a half, but eventually relents.

She thanks Naruto for handing her a bowl. It's the first words she's spoken since Kakashi picked her up off the shower floor.

Every night for three days, Naruto and Sasuke fall asleep on the couch, sandwiched on either side of Sakura as the TV fades into infomercials. The guest bedroom goes unused.

She manages sleep on the second night.

Kakashi checks in on them twice a day, but is more often kept away with essential rebuilding and reinforcement tasks.

Naruto, while not strictly required to stay over, has not left Sakura's side once.

.

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It's a week before Sakura's life comes into stark relief against reality.

Her parents are dead. She'll never see them again. In a random attack, in their own home, Mebuki and Kizashi were killed. They probably won't even get their names on the memorial stone. Sakura shivers and pulls her blanket closer.

Sasuke is asleep to her left, leaning against the armrest of the couch. His hands curl under his chin. Naruto is taking up more than his fair share of the couch, limbs flung wide, snoring quietly. She drapes the blanket over their laps too.

She can never go home again.

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Two weeks in, Sasuke comes home from buying groceries (quadruple the usual amount, Naruto can pack it away). He finds Sakura at his kitchen table, dressed for the day. The newspaper is spread out in front of her, folded over to housing ads. She taps a pencil against a pad of paper full of numbers and calculations.

His eyes are good, from across the room he can make out dollar amounts that match their usual mission earnings.

She flips over the pad as soon as she notices him. "A-ah! Sasuke-kun! I was just looking at apartments, so don't worry, I'll be leaving soon." Her voice bothers him, it's still wispy and wet, like she's perpetually out of breath and energy. "I know how you like your space and...um…"

Sasuke sighs, he'd missed her babbling, right? When he was worried? "You don't want to stay at your house?"

"Oh," she rubs the back of her head, it's a nervous tick and it tips him off right away. She's laughably bad at subtlety. "Well, you see, we rented the house and I don't think I could afford it on my own. I went to the bank-"

"When did you go to the bank?"

"-And we have enough saved for me to pay for the last few months of the lease, but I don't think I could afford it after that. Besides, it's so big, I don't need all that space and I don't want to go back there anyway," she smiles, though her voice cracks and her eyes tear up again.

Sasuke, who has never had to consider financial security, is unsure of the cost of such things. But he supposes that the salaries of three genin don't amount to much.

"Stay here as long as you need," he tells her, for lack of any concrete comfort. "You're not in the way."

"Oh."

Naruto bursts in suddenly. "I bought instant ramen!" He drops two bursting grocery bags on top of the newspaper.

"I just bought groceries."

"But did you buy ramen?!"

Sakura catches Sasuke's eye behind Naruto's back, her lips forming a silent 'thank you'.

.

.

He didn't know that in allowing Sakura to stay, Sasuke had essentially invited Naruto into his life.

"Leave and never speak to me again."

But the thing is, Naruto has already made you instant ramen before you even realized you were hungry. He used his last mission bonus to buy six months of toilet paper and is totally willing to share. He went to the video store and got six movies, one of every genre so he was sure he'd have something everyone liked.

Naruto is an _excellent_ roommate.

So Sasuke can't complain.

Well. He shouldn't. But he does.

.

.

Team 7 falls into a routine. Life in Konoha resumes.

Naruto and Sasuke stop tip toeing around Sakura like she's going to break. It actually starts to feel like they're getting back to normal.

Except, somehow—and Sasuke would be hard-pressed to figure out how this happened—he has acquired two permanent roommates.

Sakura sleeps in the second bedroom now. Naruto has appropriated the couch. He just will not go home, no matter how many snide remarks Sasuke makes.

Sakura has offered to pay him rent. Naruto has not.

One day, Sasuke comes home to find his bed pushed to the far wall and a second bed crammed next to the window. Sakura and Naruto deny knowing anything about it, but the moron starts to sleep there all the same.

Sasuke gradually gets used to falling asleep to the sound of Naruto's snoring.

.

.

It's not that everything's back to normal. Sakura certainly isn't. How could she be?

She's quieter now, more thoughtful.

It happens daily that she'll open her mouth to say something and shut it right away.

She cries a lot, but she hides it from her team. Tries to.

Sakura used to cry all the time. She's soft. She didn't used to be shy about doing it in front of anyone.

Now if she feels tears coming on she'll flee. There's a closet in her room. She likes to hide there. Or she'll take a shower and pretend the tears are just water, flowing down the drain with the rest.

The boys discuss it when she's not in the room. Sasuke is a strong proponent of pretending they didn't see or hear anything. "If she wanted help she would ask for it."

"What are you, stupid?"

Naruto is better at recognizing when to pop her tragedy bubble and bring her out into fresh air. He makes her laugh, sometimes so hard that she forgets she was ever crying.

.

.

It's hard to determine where Sakura's newfound determination to improve comes from. She had an honest breakthrough in the forest of death. She showcased her power and mental strength fighting Ino.

If Sakura is one thing, it is vicious.

But during Team 7's first training exercise after the attack she dislocates Sasuke's shoulder.

She immediately regrets it; shrieking that she didn't mean to, imploring him to forgive her. It's grating.

The look in her eyes when she attacked him, he should have taken her seriously. It was like she didn't see him at all. The only thing that registered with her was that an enemy was in front of her and it was him or her.

She takes him to the hospital and waits with him all day.

.

.

Team 7's tentative steps towards reforming themselves around a new center are a beginning.

Despite knowing each other for years, six months ago they felt like they had met for the first time. All three were different people then.

Now it feels like they have to accommodate a shift, they're putting their jagged pieces together and hoping they'll fit.

It's hard for Sakura to articulate to the social worker how things have changed. How she feels as if she has been made anew, ground into dust and compacted into something unknown by her personal tragedy.

Conflicting feelings of grief, numbness, happiness and guilt- more than anything else, guilt.

So instead, Sakura smiles pretty and play acts at sameness.

She doesn't know any other way to be.

.

.

A lot of things were supposed to be temporary. Team 7's living situation, for one.

A power vacuum in the most powerful seat in the Land of Fire must be one of them.

It seems that the list of candidates is short.

Naruto bids his teammates goodbye at the gate. Sakura toes the dirt and hugs herself right. For so long, she took Naruto for granted, but she's leaned on him so much in the past month. It's hard to imagine what she'll do without him. At least she still has Sasuke. The boys nod at each other in silent agreement. Sasuke will watch over her in his absence.

Then Sakura does something she has never done before. She throws her arms around Naruto's neck. He always forgets how strong she is. He protests in a strangled voice.

"Come back safe, okay?"

"Sure thing Sakura-chan, me and the pervy sage can handle this no problem."

She pulls away and clasps her hands behind her back, rocking on the balls of her feet.

Sasuke steps forward, they bump fists.

"Boys," she says, exasperated and fond.

 **a/n:** And with that out of the way we can proceed to PLOT. Hope you enjoyed, I love to hear what you guys think!


	3. Chapter 3

_if you can't hold on, hold on_

Chapter 3

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With Naruto gone, the apartment has become quiet.

Sasuke feels awkward and unsettled; he doesn't know how he's supposed to act. The three of them have an established dynamic and routine. With Naruto gone, that balance has been upset. Naruto fills most of the silence, especially these days.

When he said something stupid, Sakura could always be relied upon to share a longsuffering look. Hers being generally more fond than his.

She's quieter these days, but not this quiet. With Naruto gone, there's one less major distraction. He thinks she must be dwelling. He keeps catching her looking out the window, or past the television set.

The best solution he has is to keep her on a schedule. It's what he did, after it happened. So Sasuke conscripts Sakura into his Don't Think About Your Feelings, Only Vengeance regimen.

He wakes up at 5am and kicks her door.

She stumbles into the kitchen, bleary eyed. The first day she'd whispered, "what's going on?" Now she knows to come to the table, dressed.

He hands her a protein bar, takes one for himself and they head out.

They train. They take a water break. Train some more. They spar. They go home.

It's a quiet existence. And it's unnerving because of how unnatural it feels.

Sakura likes to talk. She has so much to say. She should feel comfortable enough to talk. Sasuke isn't equipped for this. He doesn't have the language to console her or explain his issues even to himself.

He hasn't processed his own trauma, he doesn't know how he's supposed to help her with hers.

Even so, he feels closer to her than he ever has. And isn't that sick?

In the past, he's told her and Naruto that they could never understand him or his pain. They hadn't gone through what he had. Now Sakura was the closest anyone could come. And they cannot commiserate. He cannot manage to pass on anything to her. Because nothing makes it easier.

On the third day, as she pants in the dirt after their spar, he asks if she wants to go for ramen.

"Yes," she says, too quick.

Teuchi asks them where Naruto is, Sakura smiles brightly and genuinely at him, "He's off to find our next Hokage! It's a really important mission, but hopefully he'll be back soon." Teuchi responds with pride of course, he likes Naruto a lot. He takes their orders and retreats into the back.

Sasuke is jealous of Naruto. His and Sakura's situations are the same, but it's Naruto who is able to reach out to her and make her feel better. He's always able to tell what she needs; be it a distraction or a shoulder or a blanket fort.

He feels inept. He's never wanted to talk about feelings, but his teammate is hurting. And he has no way of fixing that.

It occurs to him that night, as intrusive thoughts sometimes do, that this whole thing is a distraction from his revenge. He's worrying about Sakura, and his team is living with him. He's concentrating on her pain instead of his. He _needs_ to be single minded if he wants to accomplish his goals.

He physically bats those thoughts away and presses a hand to his forehead. He turns to look at the empty bed by the window and growls. He knows what the right thing to do is.

Tomorrow he'll try harder.

The next day he wakes her up and they train as always. They go home and prepare dinner together. Sasuke asks her some leading questions while frying up the vegetables.

For his efforts, he receives a sweet and wobbly smile.

After dinner they sit on the couch and watch tv, Sakura's woolen blanket spread out over their laps. They fall asleep like that, on opposite sides, feet tangled together in the middle.

.

.

Things never remain simple for long.

.

.

Sakura comes to life in her panic, grabbing Sasuke's hand and dragging him out the door in a way that he would never allow under normal circumstances.

They'd just got word that Kakashi was in the hospital.

In some ways, they always believed their teacher to be invincible. It was so easy to forget that he was anything but.

She needs to keep moving, or else she's going to sink into the earth. Sakura is barely keeping her head above water these days and if something happens to Kakashi… She doesn't know what she'll do.

The hand in hers is dry and warm. She glances back at Sasuke, who doesn't let the worry show quite like she does, but it's there. She squeezes his hand in assurance. He doesn't squeeze back but he nods at her and doesn't shake her off. That's enough.

At the hospital front desk, a paternal nurse with bushy eyebrows and grey streaks at his temples guides them to Kakashi's room in intensive care. It's already crowded. Asuma, Kurenai stand propped up against the wall by the window. Gai occupies a chair by his eternal rival's side.

Sakura gasps and her hands fly to her mouth, "What's wrong with him?"

He doesn't seem that injured, but he's unconscious.

Gai glances back at the other jounins before answering, "He keeps fading in and out. He was under the influence of a very powerful genjutsu. The aftereffects are…concerning."

Kurenai, being the genjutsu expert, averts her eyes as if fearing she'll be caught in one. "It's trying on the mind. None of the medics in the village are equipped to handle a case like this."

"Will he get better?"

Kurenai's heart goes out to the girl. Kakashi told her about Sakura's parents. He asked her for advice that she didn't have. The best she could do was treat a traumatized girl the way he would one of the boys. Having met Sasuke though, she wasn't sure he had the best grasp of that either.

"We're not sure."

"That means no Sakura," Sasuke's cutting interruption startled everyone.

"You don't know-"

"Yes I do," red eyes shifted between all the adults in the room. "Who did this?" If Sasuke knew one thing, it was vengeance.

Kurenai and Gai exchange a look, but Asuma stares at the boy impassively.

"TELL US!"

Sakura winces at the volume and anger in his voice. Gai's immediate instinct is to mitigate that. "Everything's going to be-"

"Don't lie to us!" Sakura surprises them all by siding with

At that very moment a nurse walks in, staring at his clipboard, concentrating deeply, "I'm sorry to say that we're not quite sure how to mitigate the effects of the Magekyou. We haven't had the opportunity to study it before-"

Like an anchor tied to his chest, dropped into the ocean. Sasuke can't breathe. He's being sucked downwards, spiralling into feelings he can't parse. Anger, shock, confusion.

"Why. WHY WAS HE HERE?!"

"Who?" Sakura whispered, worried.

"-I'm so sorry!" the nurse cries.

Asuma pushes off from the wall. At this point, he already knows too much. They'll have to find out this part eventually.

"Your brother is part of an organization called Akatsuki. They were after Naruto."

.

.

"Wait, STOP!" Sakura shouts, running after Sasuke. "You have to think about this!" She catches his arm and holds fast.

"There's no time to waste," he wrenches his arm from her grip. "I have to find my brother."

"But _why_? What's going on? And if he took out Kakashi-sensei, how are you going to beat him?"

"Shut up!" He doesn't want to hear logic. This is the first word he's heard of his brother in years.

"I will not! You're going to get yourself killed."

Bravery keeps her knees from quaking, determination stops the hyperventilating. She can't lose him. _She can't lose him_. She grabs his arm again, but this time he shoves her. By now they're a block away from the gate. He pushes her up against a telephone poll. She's taller than him still, so she manages to stay on her toes. Sakura winces, the rusted staples from old flyers dig into her back. There's a dangerous and unhinged look in his Sharingan eyes. "Stay out of my way."

Then he's gone. Too fast for her to ever hope she could catch up.

.

.

Sakura isn't done yet. She is a hurricane, blowing into Kakashi's hospital room. A storm of anger and accusations.

"Who have you sent?!" she demanded, "Who did you send to warn Naruto, to protect him?!"

As the adults around her exchange looks, abdicating responsibility, she wants to scream. They've failed him. More and more, Sakura is noticing the way adults seem to fail them all. She spoke to her social worker about it. Who looked after Naruto his whole life? He never had parents, did he always live alone? Who fed Sasuke after his family died?

Her social worker responded that they only had two allotted sessions left, _is she sure she wants to spend them talking about her teammates?_

This is fucked up. This is so fucked up.

"Who would we send?" Asuma asks.

"Anyone!"

"We don't know where they are," Kurenai adds, "Besides, Lord Jiraiya is with him and he's a legendary Sannin. There's literally no one better to protect him."

"If it's so hard, why has Sasuke gone off to find them just now?"

.

.

A knock at the door of his hotel room elicits a grown from Naruto.

"Got shut down already Pervy Sage? When are you gonna-" he swings the door open and comes face to face with a man in a black cloak, with red clouds. This would have left the bigger impression, were it not for unnervingly familiar, glaring, red eyes, pining him in place.

.

.

 **a/n:** Been slow on updating because I've been working on another fic at the same time. The other one had a clearer direction in my mind (and has a really fun dynamic to write) so I got a little sidetracked. I've found the thread of this one though! Reviews are always loved and cherished.

PS: You can find me on tumblr as fiercyy! I love getting asks and prompts for oneshots or just to say hey.

\- Fi


	4. Chapter 4

_if you can't hold on, hold on_

Chapter 4

As Sasuke wrenches his arm from Sakura's grasp, it strikes him that she still doesn't understand. His weary heart spasms. It's a small betrayal. He doesn't know why he expected her to. He has no idea what he wants from her- to demand to come along? To shut up and let him go?

Sasuke runs and refocuses. Itachi should be the only thing on his mind.

His family, Itachi, and his own hands wrapped around his brother's throat.

.

.

Naruto is no coward, but he's smart enough to know when to run.

He would do it too, if he could move his feet.

Paralysed by the power of the Sharingan, Naruto quakes. The strange man with his friend's eyes is so tall. Will Sasuke be that tall someday? He wonders. The man's face is lined. His mouth is grim and emotionless. This is more familiar. He reaches for him and Naruto notices the unchipped purple paint on his nails.

 _On second thought_ , Naruto thinks, unable to break eye-contact. _They're not the same at all._ Their eyes are shaped different. And Sasuke's have never looked so cold.

He has the time to think about these things, in the eternity it takes for Sasuke to arrive and scream a name that Naruto has never heard before.

"ITACHI!"

Sasuke doesn't see it, because Itachi is still looking at Naruto, but just for a second… he's rattled. His eyes widen infinitesimally, his jaw tightens. And then he turns away from Naruto to face him.

Sasuke races at his brother, a Chidori charged in his fist. His blood screams _murder_ and it contorts his face monstrously.

In moments, Sasuke is on the floor, the Pervy Sage has arrived and Itachi is gone.

.

.

The worst thing in this world is having to wait. Time is rude. It passes as it pleases and arrives no sooner than it wishes, even to fit one's schedule. Regardless of if someone is waiting on pain to pass.

Time may heal, but Time is very slow about it.

Sakura sits between Sasuke and Kakashi's beds, updating everyone's emergency contact forms. She nicked Naruto's for good measure.

Naruto's file has Iruka and Lord Third as his emergency contacts.

Sasuke listed no one.

Kakashi's are old and out of date, there are three names on his form, each of them with the words KIA stamped next to them. She wonders if they were his team.

Sakura numbly stares at her file. She taps the pen against the clipboard, struggling with what to do. In the end, bitterness makes her scribble out her parents' names. They're not here anymore. They can't help her now.

She writes her teammates' names with a steady hand. Then repeat. She does this for all of them. She doesn't care what any of them have to say about it, if something happens to any of them, she is going to hear about it or so help her-

Tears fall on her fists, clenched over the pile of clipboards.

 _How could he be so stupid?_

.

.

When Naruto walks into the village with the Fifth Hokage in tow, he expects cheers… adulation.

Instead, no one seems to care. Like. At all.

Doesn't anybody realize what a badass he just was? He fought a giant snake! With a SLUG! He's so freaking cool, he can't wait to tell Sakura and Sasuke.

Thinking about his teammates sobers him slightly. He hopes the Old Lady can fix Kakashi and Sasuke... No, he _knows_ she can. She's the Hokage.

Naruto believes that things will work out. It's arguably his best quality.

.

.

He doesn't want to say anything, but Naruto wonders if Sakura has showered since Kakashi and Sasuke have been in the hospital. He tightens his grip on her shoulder and steers her in the direction of Sasuke's apartment, while trying to surreptitiously keep upwind of her. She usually smells so nice, he feels bad.

He's worried about her. She's gotten scary quiet again, like right after her parents…

It's a red flag.

"Don't worry, Granny's awesome." Then, behind his hand, like he's telling her a secret, "But don't tell her I said that."

Sakura's lips twitch and so does Naruto's nose, like he's caught the scent of a rabbit.

"She'll fix them. You'll see."

She nods grimly and unlocks the door.

At least she's not catatonic. He can work with this. This is nothing. This is run-of-the-mill worry. Manageable, and frankly excessive. To Naruto, Sasuke appears indestructible.

In the hours immediately following their encounter with Itachi, Naruto had freaked the fuck out. Seeing Sasuke immobile, possibly dead, at his brother's feet had chilled him. Naruto loves Sasuke, like a pet or favourite brand of instant ramen. Except not like that at all.

It would suck to lose him.

Days later, with a solution in hand, the terror of a dead teammate is long forgotten and Naruto can get back to doing what he does best: repressing the shit out of all pain and trauma and cracking jokes.

Naruto offers Sakura the first shower. Like a goddamn gentleman.

.

.

Kakashi wakes up first.

He's in a shockingly good mood for someone who's just been mentally eviscerated by a former comrade. Sometimes, Kakashi surprises even himself with his stubborn refusal to be consumed. With Obito and Rin fresh in his heart and Minato-sensei even fresher, what he holds on to is that he remembers all the details.

The bar is low.

As it sometimes does, the urge to go home and look at his team photo overcomes him. It has a new spot on his vanity, next to the only picture he has of his brats.

Gai slaps his back hard enough for it to hurt, but he won't let it show. "Eternal Rival, it's good to have you back among the living!"

Kakashi sighs and thanks him, then drops his legs over the side of the bed.

"What! Where are you going!? You shouldn't be moving around."

"Sure I should," and like it's nothing, he gets up and pauses by Sasuke's bedside. "That idiot went after him, didn't he?" he sighs again. "I suppose it can't be helped. I'm going to go meet with our new Hokage."

"Wait!" Gai calls out to him, even though he's already out the door. "At least put on some pants!"

Kakashi looks down at his hospital gown, chagrined.

 _Shit_.

.

.

Sakura doesn't seem to want to go back. She's shaking when Naruto leads the way back to the shared hospital room.

Kakashi isn't in bed, which gives Naruto a bit of a scare, but a nurse pops her head in to let them know that Gai took him out for a little walk. "He'll have him back before dinner I'm sure!"

"Oh good," Naruto elbows Sakura, "So he won't miss the jello." The nurse in unamused by his joke.

They're not seated for long when Naruto declares himself fed up and bored. "Geez, Kakashi-sensei's awake."

Sakura sets aside the plate of apples she'd just finished peeling.

"What's taking him so long?!"

"Shuh uuuugggh," Sasuke groans.

"What?!" Naruto jumps to his feet, "What'd you say?!"

"Naruto-"

"I said," Sasuke's voice is hoarse, his eyes snap open and find his loud teammate immediately. "Shut up."

"Why you-!"

"Naruto. Go find the doctor!" Sakura takes his place by Sasuke's side and does what comes naturally to her. "You're okay," she reassures him in a hollow voice. "Everything's going to be ok," she lies, at a loss to do anything else.

Soon, Naruto returns with the paternal nurse from the other day. He checks Sasuke's vitals, while the boy stares numbly ahead; unfeeling and uncomprehending.

"I don't understand, Granny said he was supposed to be better!" Naruto shouts, worried.

The nurse kindly and patiently reassures him, "He is, but your friend has just been through a really traumatic ordeal. Be patient with him, he's still recovering."

Naruto has lots of questions, for both the nurse and Sasuke. He wants to know who that man, Itachi, was. He knows he must be related to Sasuke somehow. He has a weird Sharingan and they look so similar. He doesn't know the particulars of the Uchiha Massacre. It's not exactly taught in school, and it's not like he has parents who were around to ask. Everyone their age _kind of_ knows about it. They all remember when Sasuke came back to school after a week long absence.

He was numb. Quiet and cold. He was different.

It's been a long time since Naruto thought about that. He's had no need to. But now he considers these memories in conjunction with the very fresh witness he bore to Sakura's loss. They reacted the same. He's never before considered how similar in temperament his teammates really are. They've lost something that Naruto never had.

On a better day, with lower stakes, Naruto might not have put this together. But, sitting by Sasuke's bedside while he stares straight ahead and Sakura peels apple after apple, he has nothing but time to think.

 _I want to kill a certain man._ The words of a year ago come unbidden. Sasuke had one goal.

He thought Sasuke had come to find him, but he'd really been there for Itachi.

Sasuke wants to kill his brother. The only family he has left in the world.

And Naruto cannot possibly understand that. He's not yet thirteen. He understands that the slash on Itachi's forehead protector means he's a missing nin. It has been explained to him that the cloak with red clouds is the mark of a dangerous organization. He knows Itachi was after him, or rather, after the tailed beast sealed inside him. And yet, Naruto cannot conceive of a good enough reason to kill one's brother, not when they're the only ones left.

He's too good.

He cannot fathom a world where someone would murder their family.

It does not occur to him that this is the crime for which Sasuke holds Itachi accountable.

.

.

Anger's a tricky thing. Without an outlet it will fester beneath the surface. It will become a sour lump, curdled in your gut. It infects.

Cut out the anger or let it run its course. But do not ignore it.

Unchecked, it consumes. It burns.

It kills.

.

.

There's a plate of apples on the floor and Sasuke is angry. At Itachi for everything he has done. At Sakura for not coming after him. At himself for going after Naruto. At the village for their impotence. At Kakashi, for being so hurt he could not advise him. At Naruto for being the subject of his brother's notice.

So he takes it out on them all, but none more than Sakura and Naruto.

It's so easy. They're always there. They never leave his side. Sakura with her sad eyes. Naruto with his impatient sighs. He resents the devotion. They should have let him die. Better to be killed than to live in shame at being unable to exact his vengeance.

So when Sakura tries to get him to eat the slices of apple she'd carefully cut up for him, he slaps the plate out of her hands.

That's the thing about devotion. Sasuke knows that Sakura and Naruto will always be there. They've been through so much together. They live in his home. It's been a year and somehow none of them know how to be apart anymore. So Sasuke knows this: no matter what he does or how he acts, they will never leave him. So he acts out. He tests the boundaries of their sympathy. He tries their patience and kindness with the unrelenting fortitude of an expect cross-examiner. He's looking for holes, for chinks in the armor.

Subconsciously, he is testing them for the day when things will get harder.

He's not sure which outcome he hopes for. They make him so weak, but also, so very strong.

.

.

On the roof of the hospital, the turmoil in Sasuke is expelled into the world.

Sasuke stands on one side, Naruto the other.

Sasuke doesn't know how Naruto allowed himself to be roped in. But he isn't in a frame of mind to think about that quite yet. All he knows is that he is _hungry_ for a fight. He can taste blood on his tongue and breathes fury out, white hot.

Naruto is always getting on his nerves, saying the first thing that comes to mind. He just _moves in_ without even asking. He put a bed in his room! And uses all the toilet paper. He was able to help Sakura where he couldn't. He has reserves of power Sasuke couldn't even dream of.

And Itachi, for whatever reason, is interested in him.

Maybe it's latent feelings of inadequacy. Maybe it's the burning pain of knowing he's still not worth his brothers time, even at the end of his sword. Maybe it's nothing at all, except childish resentment of an annoying boy who doesn't understand him as well as he seems to think he does.

Sasuke and Naruto charge.

Perhaps they would have killed each other.

.

.

Sakura runs, feet pounding against concrete in futility. She knows before she ever makes a move, that she will be too late.

It's a good thing that they're a family of four.

Kakashi takes a wrist in each hand and swings them around like sacks of laundry. Sasuke goes flying into the ledge. Naruto thuds against the vent, leaving a dent.

"Pull yourselves together," Kakashi orders in a cold, hollow voice. He shoves his hands in his pockets and heads for the door, passing a shell-shocked girl, "Sakura," he nods as he passes. "You're up."

Kakashi will perhaps come to regret this decision. He miscalculated. He has not accounted for the change in her, he would have had no way to do so.

Anger can be like that.

Or perhaps, he was giving her a gift. Maybe he was unleashing her. Still, it chafes that theirs is a mess she is being sent to clean up. Just like always.

Sakura stalks over to Naruto and helps him to his feet. Then she heads for Sasuke.

For a moment, he expects her to help him up. He's already primed to slap her hands away.

Except that Sakura's hands find the front of his shirt, and throw him up against the ledge. She twists her fingers into the fabric and her face closes in on his. There's a mania in her movements; panic in her eyes. And tears, though few.

"What is the matter with you?!"

"Get off of me!" he tries to shove her away, but he's been in a hospital bed for a week. He gains an inch but she manages to shove him back again.

" _Not everything is about you._ "

"You don't know anything!"

"Sakura," Naruto starts.

"Stay out of this Naruto!" Sasuke and Sakura shout in unison.

"You can't just run off like that. Then you come home and you're a dick to me _and to Naruto?!_ What did he do? You could have killed him! We're your friends. You have to tell us things."

"I don't owe you anything!"

"Well, maybe I owe _you_ something!"

"And you're _not my friends!_ " She reels. Her hands fall at her sides, numb.

Something has been bubbling up inside Sakura for a while now. It's a sick, sour concoction made of tragedy and boiled over the burning bridges around her. It's gotten worse since they saw their sensei prone in a hospital bed for the first time. Sakura has been dealing with a lot. She's furious with her dead parents, for the simple act of not being alive anymore. She's mad at the village, who failed to protect them all. She's angry with herself for being angry at all. But right now, most of all, she's angry with Sasuke. _That selfish prick_.

She's been holding it in all week. Every time Naruto fretted over her being sad or worried, what she was really feeling was rage. It's wrong. He's hurt and in trouble. He's just been through a traumatic experience. And he's done so much for her. But her guilt isn't enough to hold it all in anymore.

He continues, "You have no idea what you're talking about!"

And Sakura is reignited, " _I_ don't know what I'm talking about?"

"Sasuke, man that is way out of-"

"STAY OUT OF THIS NARUTO." They scream again.

"If ANYONE know what you're going through, it's me!" Without thinking, her fist flies, nailing him in the nose. The back of Sasuke's head cracks against the concrete ledge. "My family is dead!"

Blood wells in his mouth. He spits a wad of it at her feet. "You lost your parents, I lost everything!"

"IT'S NOT A COMPETITION!"

"Then welcome to the club, Sakura. Are you happy now?! Do you feel like you finally matter, now that you understand pain?"

Sakura's hand flies again. He flinches, but her slap falls just short of his cheek. She holds her palm a breath away from him. He can feel the heat of it.

Then she retreats.

.

.

 **a/n: This chapter took some unexpected but hopefully enjoyable turns? Let me know what you think! Finally finished my thesis so hopefully that means I'll have time and energy to return to updating regularly.**


	5. Chapter 5

if you can't hold on, hold on

 _Chapter 5_

.

.

Naruto does a lot of yelling. On the roof, in the hospital room, through the whole discharge process, on the way home to the apartment and as he makes instant ramen.

"It doesn't matter how annoying you are, she's never going to like you back," Sasuke says, just to be bitchy. He refuses to be chastened. "Moron," he grumbles into the plastic cup.

Naruto's chopsticks slam against the table with a clatter. He glares at the boy sitting across from him for an entire minute before picking up the cup of ramen and downing it in wide gulps and chews with his mouth open, without breaking eye-contact. Damnit. Naruto _knows_ he hates it when he does that. Frustrated, Sasuke peels the container top the rest of the way off and throws it at Naruto. It spins like a shuriken and hits him edgewise- right on the forehead. Naruto pulls his off and tries to throw it the same way. It flutters between them, caught in a draft and settles on the floor.

"I'm not picking that up," Naruto declares.

" _Yeah_ , you are."

"No I'm not!"

The rest of the night is lost to bickering. Sasuke ends up picking it up. The pair go to bed angry, on opposite ends of the same room. But at least their minds are taken off the empty one, just across the hall.

.

.

In his sleep, Sasuke rubs his shoulder. He has dreams of a brand on fire and snake eyes staring out of the darkness.

.

.

The boys have no idea where Sakura is staying.

That day on the roof, after Sasuke said what he said, she'd turned a bright, furious red. Her cheeks puffed out and she clamped her mouth shut over an apoplectic shriek. She stomped her foot and stalked to the edge of the roof and walked right off it. It was an admirably casual kind of showmanship that would have made Kakashi proud.

Naruto panicked, rushed to the ledge and leaned over, apparently forgetting her skill at walking up walls. She stomped all the way down, then down the street, out of sight.

She didn't come home that night.

At first, Sasuke's sure she'll calm down eventually. Naruto is doubtful. Soon, Naruto's worry infects Sasuke.

Sakura's never been angry with him before. Even when he'd done things that probably deserved her anger. She was more likely to redirect her anger towards Naruto. Maybe that's why he never thought of her as an angry person before? His teammate always bore the brunt of it. He wonders if he would have preferred her anger to her fawning. He's mildly jealous of Naruto- a feeling more familiar than he'd care to admit.

It's terrible, no one can ever know, but on some level, Sasuke likes her better this way. She doesn't bother him or cry over stupid things.

Sakura doesn't come home the second night either.

Without her, Sasuke doesn't have the energy to fight Naruto on his desire to have cup noodles for dinner again. Usually, they'd gang up on him and Sakura's mothering would leave room for Sasuke to sneak something green onto each of their plates. Sakura hates most vegetables. She's such a hypocrite, but she doesn't have any room to argue once they've shamed Naruto.

That night, Sasuke lies awake, listening to Naruto's snores. He's feeling guilty. What he said wasn't okay. At all. It was horrible. He'd kill someone for less. Unless it was Naruto, then he'd probably just beat him to a pulp. He doesn't even know how he'd react to Sakura saying such a thing. Maybe it's because it's beyond imagining. She never would.

He can't apologize though. Firstly, because he doesn't know how. Secondly, he doesn't think he was wrong.

Sakura suddenly thinks she understands him and can tell him how to feel and react to things. She has a taste of pain and thinks they're the same. Sure, he'd thought about it… a little. When she was still having really bad days, he'd think about how he'd felt, and what he wishes someone would have done for him. He tries to sympathize, but really he just pities her.

She seems mostly fine now though. She's been getting better. He wonders if she misses them because she never talks about them. He doesn't know how often she thinks about them.

What he does know is that she's not like him. Her every waking thought isn't consumed by their shortened lives, by their absence, by vengeance. She keeps going about her life. She goes on, while he can't.

And that's why Sasuke knows, with the conviction of a boy who's already seen too much of the world and understands very little of it, that her pain is nothing to his.

Which is why he isn't sorry.

.

.

Sakura moves back into the apartment on a Thursday afternoon.

Ino follows her in, carrying a cardboard box, head on a swivel. "I can't believe I'm in Sasuke-kun's apartment."

"Yeah," Sakura agrees uncomfortably, insincere. She never really thought about it before. Once, this would have been the biggest deal in the world, but she's been living with him for a month. She's seen him in his PJs. "Anybody home?" She calls.

Ino drops the box on the coffee table in the living room and wanders around, inspecting the place the way Sakura's mom might have. She tests the chairs for wobbles, straightens the pictures and knickknacks on the shelves.

Those didn't use to be there. Sasuke used to have serial killer walls. But Naruto brought his weird frog chachkes. And Sakura brought pictures.

Ino pauses at one of the two of them. Sakura doesn't remember for sure, but she supposes one of her parents must have taken it. It's so weird to think that Ino's the only friend who ever met her mom and dad. She remembers them. She loved them. "I miss them," Ino confesses, seemingly reading her mind.

She's been doing that a lot the last few days, it's one of the reasons she has to get away. Sakura loves Ino, but she knows too much.

Ino keeps trying to get her to cry, she thinks she's bottling it up. She thinks she knows what Sakura needs, but Sakura is finished crying. "I miss them too," she answers, resenting this performative gesture. Of course she misses them. _What's your point Ino?_

Sakura has cried a lot this past month. Now the tears are dried up and her heart is cracked in anger; a formless, thick, glutinous anger. And no outlet. Sometimes she doesn't know how to feel anything else. It's like it's taken up all the space inside her that used to belong to other things. There's no room for sadness or crushes or drive. There's just this.

She could leave, but she can't afford to live on her own. She doesn't have any savings. The paltry sums she received for missions went towards the lease on the house. When she'd graduated from the academy and the family finally had a third income, the Harunos had moved from an apartment to a house. And since… the attack, there hadn't been any missions available.

She couldn't stay with Ino forever.

And in a way, Sasuke's apartment had become her home. She misses her team as much as she resents them. There they went, going off and getting strong, while she stayed the same useless baby she was before. Except in a whole new angry flavour of orphan.

She's so tired of being a baby. She's tired of crying. She's even a little bit tired of living.

"Thanks, Ino," she says in a hollow tone. She's trying to hint that she should leave. Sakura needs her energy for when the boys come home and find her there.

"No problem forehead," if there's one thing Ino's bad at, it's reading the room. She comes closer and Sakura opens her arms for a hug goodbye, but the other girl surprises her. She pushes her hair back. It's only now that she realizes she hasn't trimmed it. She's overdue by two months.

"What?"

"I dunno, you just don't look like yourself, that's all," Ino sighs, "Mmkay, bye Forehead. I gotta go. When you wanna let me know what the drama is, give me a call."

"There's no-!"

"Save it." She waves over her shoulder and closes the front door behind her.

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Naruto and Sasuke get in around eight o'clock.

Sasuke puts his set of keys on the hooks he'd bought for them after Naruto lost his keys for the tenth time in a week.

The pair are taken aback to find Sakura sitting on the couch, wool blanket thrown over her head, staring unseeing at the television as the news plays. She looks up as they come in. There's something in her eyes that neither can place. Nothing is better. There's a lot of hurt and anger here. This is a home of unresolved issues, lost children and trauma. But each other is all they have. And Naruto makes everything easy.

He vaults the armrest of the sofa and gets comfy right beside her, stealing a third of the blanket and throwing it over his head too. "What are we watching?"

"Haven't decided yet."

"Oh cool, let's watch the Mutant Firefighting Turtle show."

"There's no way that's a real show."

While they squabble, Sasuke mills around the kitchen, going through the motions of making tea like a ghost, caught behind a veil, unable to join the living.

"No fair, why do you always wanna watch boring stuff!"

"The Nature Channel isn't boring!"

"Sasuke wants to watch the turtle show, that's two against one."

"You're a moron, go read a book." Just listening makes him feel a little more alive.

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For the first time in days, Tsunade emerges from Hokage tower. She brings one file on her walk. As she reads, her feet take her down the familiar route to the hospital. She helped build this place decades ago. It feels weird to be back.

She looks up at the beige stone structure and purses her lips. There's a trail of gouges up the wall, the size of a young girl's feet. Cracks radiate outward. It's easily fixed, a little plaster, a coat of paint, but what it _means_ is a long-term headache.

She glares at the file. "This team will be the death of me, I can already tell."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

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Human beings are flexible. They adjust. Konoha rebuilds, it buries the last of its dead. Names are etched into the memorial stone and the missions office opens up once again, overseen by the Godaime Hokage.

Team 7 falls into a rhythm of shared space and chores. Sasuke still does most of them. Sakura would still rather scrub the bathtub than do dishes. Naruto still buys toilet paper in bulk. Kakashi still checks in and mooches off their dinner. They still plan for that and make enough for four.

Sakura doesn't go back to training with Sasuke.

 _It doesn't bother me_ , he tells himself with a bitter edge to his inner voice. If anything, it's better this way. She's not wasting his time, needing corrections to her form. She's not around to sulk and be worried over. She's certainly not fawning all over him.

It's terrible, but Sasuke prefers her this way; she's not so annoying.

He tells himself that he doesn't hate the voice in his head that says these things. But he does. He hates himself a little more every day.

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With the mission office open, the possibility of freedom makes Naruto itch. He wants to go out into the world and do something. It's better than sitting around waiting. What he's waiting for, he's not even sure, but it's the way he feels: stuck.

So at 10am on the dot he leaps from bed and runs into the kitchen to find Sakura searching through the cabinets and Sasuke _reading a newspaper_. Like the nerd he is.

Naruto makes a face. "OKAY EVERYBODY! Up and at'em, we're getting a mission."

"Sakura and I have been up since 6," Sasuke grunts and retreats behind the newspaper again.

The hyperactive boy clears his throat to hide his embarrassment, "Yeah well, who cares! I wanna go out and kick some ass."

Sakura closes the cabinet and glances at Sasuke while scowling, "Let's go," she agrees firmly, with steel in her eyes. "Anything to get out of here for a while."

Naruto takes this quip at face value, but Sasuke looks at her over the top of the paper and frowns.

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"Alright! Now that's what I'm talking about. A B-rank mission!"

"Settle down Naruto," Kakashi says airily.

"We're just transporting a scroll. We might as well be a mail service," Sakura complains. This is unlike her, she's generally agreeable and positive when it comes to their assignments, whatever they may be. She never once complained about being the one to protect the client.

The envoy carrying the scroll, doesn't seem pleased about being reduced to "mail". As ambassador for Konoha, Arakawa Shinji has been tasked with carrying a treaty co-signed by Lady Tsunade and the Council to Sand. It is to be signed, copied and returned to the village.

This is an important mission and Sasuke sort of can't believe it's been given to his team. Something like this should have been handled by ANBU or a Jounin protective detail. It makes him think that something else is going on. With the way Sakura is side-eyeing Arakawa, Sasuke thinks she must be equally suspicious.

His skin itches, he feels like they're being watched.

It would usually take three days to get to Suna, but they're travelling with a civilian emissary, so it will take five. They're avoiding towns and villages along the way to avoid being seen, so this time is spent mostly camping.

Sasuke doesn't mind. He likes the fresh air, the smell of woodsmoke and the alertness this offers. When they camp out, he's always aware of where each member of his team is. It's a soothing feeling.

On the first night, Sasuke builds the fire, like he always does. Naruto loudly proclaims that he'll go catch them something to eat.

"No!" Sakura shouts, before covering her mouth, like the words escaped without her permission. After a long pause she swallows and says with more strength, "I… I'll go find us something."

This is a small upheaval of their status quo. Team 7 has always had a pattern when it came to mission duties. They all found firewood, Sasuke built the fire, Naruto would use his shadow clones to overwhelm some fish, squirrels, rabbits or once, even a dear. Sakura always cooks their dinner. Kakashi naps. It's the way of things.

Sasuke wants to protest. He does not want to each whatever berries Sakura manages to find. And even if she does find something worth eating, he won't touch it if Naruto's cooking it. A mouthful of raw meat is a mistake one doesn't repeat twice (and that time, he'd had access to appliances!).

"Sure thing Sakura!" Naruto acquiesces too easily these days. He knows that he's just trying to make up for their fight, but it's frustrating. They can't handle her with kid gloves the rest of their lives. Certainly it's not what he wanted when he was in her place.

But he's got to stop comparing them. It's not the same thing. It's not the same thing at all. _That's his whole point._

It strikes him then, that he's prepared to deal with Team 7 the rest of his life. And that is a dangerous supposition.

People leave, people die. People have goals that must be accomplished. Sasuke reminds himself that that should be his focus and he tries unsuccessfully to harden his heart against them. His failure is a long foregone conclusion. Perhaps it's habit, but he tries anyway.

Two hours later, Naruto's stomach is rumbling so loudly that Sasuke can hear it across the clearing. Arakawa has fallen into a doze on top of his sleeping bag and Kakashi flips through his book, unconcerned. Sakura still isn't back.

Sasuke sighs like he's taken the measure of the world, apparently it will fall to him to make sure Sakura hasn't fallen down a pit or gotten lost or anything. He stands up just as the rustling of leaves can be heard and promptly sits down.

Sakura's short hair has a twig in it, she's got scrapes on her arms and matching smudges of dirt on her nose and knees. But in her hands are two plump rabbits and when she turns out her pockets there's enough seeds, nuts and mushrooms for a meal.

Naruto only complains about the mushrooms a little bit.

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What they don't see is that Sakura tracked one rabbit to its burrow. She collapsed it and tearfully dragged them out. Her hands shook as she withdrew a senbon and drove it through their eyes. She sobbed for half an hour afterwards.

Sakura couldn't help wondering if there were any little baby bunnies around, missing their parents.

She ate very little that night, and none of the meat.

When it was her turn to take watch, she relieved Kakashi-sensei and waited a few minutes before unwrapping a ration. They were awful, tasteless and had a weird texture. Team 7 almost never ate them if they could help it.

She ripped tiny pieces off of the gelatinous, lumpy protein bar and chewed with a sour expression, trying to keep it off her tongue. She needed water to get it down.

Desperate, she woke Naruto early for his watch and dashed into the forest to pee.

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The next morning they set out again. Kakashi leads the way, Naruto right behind him. Sasuke likes to bring up the rear. This leaves Sakura and Arakawa keeping pace with each other. He tries to engage her in conversation, sensing (incorrectly) that she's the most approachable of the group. She's not in the mood to be social.

Instead, she gazes up at the canopy above and listens.

The leaves quiver in the breeze and a forest tune fills her mind. The sun on her face is warm and the twinge in her gut calms for a little while.

Naruto fills the gap, as he's prone to doing. He can find something to talk about with basically anyone. Sakura is grateful. Practiced ears can tune him out and very little is required of her now. She's left to pay attention to the world itself.

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Sasuke's paranoia reaches its height with the sun. By noon he's whipping around at every suspicious rustle.

Naruto laughs when he throws a kunai and misses a hummingbird by a hair's breadth.

If there is one thing a shinobi must always do, it's trust his instincts. Sasuke has complete and utter faith in himself. It isn't ego, it's experience. There is something in the forest.

His neck is on a swivel, chin tilted up, towards the sun. By the end of the day, his nose is sunburned and he looks like he's fighting a cold. The whole of his being is ready to be vindicated now. He can't live like this. Patience is not a virtue in his repertoire, nor in any among team 7. Except Kakashi. Maybe. Whether the quality he possesses is patience or negligence is up for debate.

They set up camp, as usual. Naruto reclaims his usual responsibility and Sakura sulks.

They lie down in their sleeping bags and no one says a word. Kakashi bids them all goodnight, only Naruto and Arakawa respond.

An hour later, he still can't sleep. The ground is uneven and hard packed beneath him. There's something itchy about the fabric on the inside of his sleeping bag. Sasuke rolls onto his other side, trying to get comfortable. Sakura lays half a foot to his left.

She wriggles, trying to find peace as well. Eventually, she rolls over and Sasuke finds himself confronted with glowing jade eyes, free of accusations or anger—just tired, like him. She doesn't smile, but she doesn't glare either. Sakura squints in the darkness and throws a hand up to fail to cover a jaw-cracking yawn. It's contagious, he yawns too.

"Can't sleep?" she asks.

"Obviously not."

Her cheeks puff out in annoyance. "You're the worst."

"You're both the worst." Kakashi concludes, from his spot lounging among the tree roots. " Go to sleep."

"Good suggestion, we'll take it under advisement." Sakura grumbles.

"Bed time or you're grounded."

They sleep.

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The next day isn't any easier. Sasuke is more on edge than ever and it has started to infect the rest of the party. Arakawa is silent and Sakura keeps anxiously glancing around.

Naruto huffs. He's so _bored_. What does a guy have to do to get some action on a B-rank mission?! This might as well be a D-rank for all the effort he's expending.

He complains about this vocally. Loudly. Unrelentingly.

Kakashi _would_ tell him that someday, he'll yearn for missions like this. That an easy mission with good pay is hard to come by and he should count his blessings. Someday, missions will mean horrible deeds, head-spinning political implications, moral quandaries. The future stretches out in front of him and all Kakashi wants is a different one for these kids.

He worries that war will come and their lives will be the same as his; spent as fodder for a power struggle that benefits no one but fear itself.

War has come to the Land of Fire before and they have weathered it. They are a strong people, with will and resilience burning in their hearts. But they're just kids with their own battles to fight.

 _Silly children_ , he chuckles. Sasuke's eyes cut to him from his place up ahead and Kakashi responds with an innocuous grin. _No clue what the world really is._ It's for the best. They're so cute.

"Did you think of something dirty?" Naruto is such a pain in the ass.

Gracefully, Kakashi pulls out his book, squats and swipes the boy's feet out from under him.

Naruto lands on his ass with a grunt, "Hey-!"

A jagged knife barely misses his nose as he falls on his back. They're surrounded by three shinobi, two men and a woman. They wear no forehead protectors. The woman, who is the broadest among them, lunges at Kakashi. The thick trunks of her arms move much faster than should be possible. She grips Kakashi's neck in her hands and snaps it.

The crackle of broken bones and then a _pop_ and in Kakashi's place is a log.

One of the men is thin, wiry and moves like a river flows; fluid, fast but predictable. Sasuke blocks the curved sickles gripped in each hand with his kunai. The blades slide against each other and he cannot find purchase on the crescent. He ducks before he loses a hand and kicks out at his attacker's knees. He hears the satisfying crunch of a broken kneecap and comes at him again, this time with an elbow to the kidneys. He dodges just enough to be hit on the hip instead.

The attacker falls back in the direction of the second male, who violently grips his comrades knee and thrusts it back into place. His hand glows green and it is as if the knee is unhurt.

"W-what?!" Sakura sputters.

"He's a healer!" Sasuke knows what they means, they have to go for him first.

Kakashi reappears and engages once again with the brick wall of a woman.

"Sakura, take care of Arakawa!" Kakashi orders.

The healer smirks and cracks each individual knuckle before making a slicing motion with each hand. Green light trails after his fingers and knives of chakra taper to sharp points, 10 inches long.

Naruto and Sasuke retake their stances.

"NO!"

Sakura leaps through the paltry barricade two twelve-year-old boys make and goes for the healer.

"Sakura, stop!"

The healer slashes his right arm in an arc parallel to the ground. Sakura instinctively drops into a backbend, her momentum carrying her forward. She slides on her knees, kunai in hand, she slashes the tendon in the healers calf. He drops to one knee and stabs down with both arms. Sakura twists desperately to get away.

Naruto barrels into his chest, knocking him off balance, so Sakura can scamper back.

"What are you doing?!" Sasuke demands.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" She goes for the sickle wielder next.

Her eyes are wild as she attacks, unthinking, unplanned. It's unlike her to be so foolhardy with her own life. She's insane, to put herself in danger like that without a thought to- who does that? Sasuke patently ignores the similarities between them. He does that.

But he's strong. He has a chance at winning.

Sakura is going to die if he doesn't do something.

Naruto makes a tone of clones and tries to overwhelm the healer, this buys them some time on that score.

He leaps into the fray with Sakura, trading blows with the sickle wielder and blocking for Sakura in turns.

"Stop it, you're in my way!" She shrieks when he takes an elbow to the chest for her.

"You're in _my_ way!" he shouts back.

They're unused to cooperating together. They've never properly fought side by side before. How is that possible?

Using wire, he tangles up one of the sickles in an attempt to force is from his hands, but from the corner of his eye, Sasuke sees something that distracts him for just a moment.

It all happens at once. A fourth attacker appears and goes for the unprotected Arakawa. Sakura takes advantage of the sickle wielder's bound state to attach him from behind. She doesn't expect him to see her. The back blade of a sickle slashes across Sakura's frame, from hip to shoulder.

Sasuke can do nothing for either of them.

He doesn't know whose scream rings in his ears. It could be anyone's, even his.


	7. Chapter 7

_if you can't hold on, hold on  
_ _Chapter 7_

 **Last time:** Team 7 accepts a mission escorting a diplomat to peace talks in Sand. Sasuke is still recovering from his confrontation with his brother and he and Sakura still aren't on speaking terms. Sakura's been acting strangely, which affect the team dynamic and endagers them all.

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Sakura's momentum carries her forward. The sickle slashes deep and gets stuck on her collarbone. As she falls to the ground, so does the blade, unarming her assailant. Blood chokes her. She can't breathe, but she doesn't feel any pain either.

Someone screams. Sakura fights against the dark. It's thrown over her like a shroud, she gets tangled up in it and pulled under.

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The fourth attacker is struck down as quickly as he appeared. A three-man cell drops to the forest floor from above. They're dressed in black and white armour, their masks; garishly painted with a bear, a tanuki and a vole.

Sasuke _blinks_ and the enemy nin are all dead.

Kakashi's opponent is nailed against a tree, with a knife holding him up by the neck. The healer is dead on the ground with a senbon in his eye. The sickle-user, in a bloody heap.

It occurs to Sasuke that Arakawa never once looked afraid.

"SAKURA!" Naruto screams.

Kakashi is by her side in an instant. Pulls her skin together like the front of a coat. She's ripped open, insides glistening in the sun. She gurgles, drowning in her own blood and struggles to make eye contact as her teacher slowly and clearly says her name over and over. "You will be fine. Just hold on. Hold on."

The ANBU wearing the vole mask walks leisurely towards the least decimated of the enemies; the sickle user. He binds his hands with wire then drags him to the nearest tree. His hands glow green and he presses them against the man's front. Sasuke was wrong, the man comes alive with a lurch forward and a gasp. The healer continues to work.

"What are you doing?!" Sasuke demands, "She's dying and you're wasting your chakra on the enemy?!"

No one flinches. No one explains.

Naruto moves to confront Vole but is stopped by Tanuki's hand, an iron vice on his shoulder. "He's saving him so that we can interrogate him."

"Yeah, AND?"

"You are interrupting."

"I do that when my _friends are dying and somebody isn't doing anything about it."_

He tries to move, but can't. Sasuke is torn between tearing him apart (not that he could, realistically) and tearing over to Sakura's side.

It is this moment that he'll examine later, self-hatred seething underneath his skin. He'll wonder at the choice between acquiring vital information and sitting numbly-quietly- _uselessly_ by his friend's side as she lays dying in their teacher's arms. He won't be able to help thinking about his priorities and where they should be. He'll doubt. He will clench his fists and look at Naruto, asleep on the other side of the room, because _he_ made the right choice and he _can_.

He just spent three days in the span of a moment, watching his family die all over again. He still isn't recovered.

Sasuke will edge closer to the interrogation, crane his neck and hide from the grief and fear already coming to claim him. He cannot lose another person, and he most certainly cannot _watch_.

He cannot make his person save her and the waiting will mortally wound him. So he stands close.

 _Sasuke-kun_

This man is going to give them nothing and Sakura is _dying._

If he doesn't say something soon, Sasuke might kill him. This is a treasonous, venomous thought. The voice in his head that encourages every violent idea seems to align with his truth, for once. The hateful voice promises it will be easy. He could slit his throat or throw a knife from afar. His katon would be effective if not for the rest of the ANBU cell.

His fears and fury kept him from focusing on the true puzzle: what was a group of ANBU agents doing following them?

Kakashi was having no such issues. An unfortunate side-effect of being a veteran; one can multitask with their grief. As Sakura's life wanes, he considers the sacrifices people are willing to make in war-time. He did not want this for these kids. He thought he could protect them.

Team 7 was bait. They protected Arakawa under the watchful eye of an ANBU squad, who were ready to swoop in if they were attacked. They waited until they could ascertain the position of the fourth attacker. Kakashi was able to feel their eyes on them from the moment they left the village gates. He didn't think they'd let any harm come to a Konoha nin. Then again, if she'd _just done what she was told…_

But it's no use dwelling now.

Team 7 would bear witness to far worse today.

Kakashi does something he hasn't done in years, he prays. He doesn't think there's anyone listening, but it helps _. Just let her live,_ he begs. _And give me the strength not to tear this man apart, put him back together and_ force _him to heal her._

He will do his duty.

"I should be helping," Naruto whispers to the ground under his knees. "If this goes faster, then he can fix her."

Kakashi's raises his hand to give Naruto's head a firm pat. "There's nothing you can do." He gave her a soldier pill. His hands are in her wound, holding her together. Her eyes are glassy and out of focus but she's _breathing._ Every few breaths she whimpers. Tears slide down the side of her face and into her hair. She doesn't seem to see or hear them anymore but every once in a while she'll say something that must be their names. Kakashi-sensei, Naruto, Sasuke-kun. Kaka-sensei Naruto Sasuke-kun. Kaka-senseiNarutoSasuke-kun.

It isn't long. It's really only twenty minutes, but their hearts are tireless hammers for the entire time.

This afternoon has revealed a terrible truth to the young members of Team 7. The life of an enemy who can give them information holds more value than a comrade who's been struck down in battle.

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These twenty minutes are the second longest of his life and by the time Vole's hands come away from the enemy, Sasuke worries it is too late.

At the end of those twenty minutes, regret pulverizes him. He should have sat with her. She should have been able to see all of their faces while she said their names over and over. She's his friend and he feels like he's failed her.

This was never going to be worth it. All the enemy can tell them is information they already know: Sound sent them.

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Vole is nothing like Naruto imagined healers would be. He is brusque and cold. He doesn't seem to invest himself in the people he's healing.

"Move," he commands Naruto, "Set her down," he orders Kakashi. Neither of them wish to move far, but they do as they're told. Kakashi removes his hands from Sakura's open gut at the last possible moment.

The rest of the ANBU squad have taken watch positions. One has disappeared altogether. Sasuke stands where he's stood the whole time. Vole kneels by Sakura and puts his healing chakra _finally, thankfully, rightfully_ to good use.

Sakura groans in pain and says their names again. Naruto knows he shouldn't interrupt but- "Can I… Can I hold her hand?"

Vole looks up, the impassive white mask hiding whatever reaction Naruto's words elicit. "Yes."

He snaps up and returns to her side, careful to steer out of the medic's way. He makes eye contact with Sasuke and glances meaningfully down at Sakura, then back again. It's a mark of how much he's changed that Sasuke hardly reacts or protests. Vole is on her left, Naruto's on her right. He doesn't want to be in the way so he sits by her head. He doesn't take her hand, but he hopes that him being here is enough. It seems to be enough for Naruto at least.

The boy beams at him through his tears. Maybe he's done the right thing.

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It's decided that Team 7 is not needed for the last leg of the mission. The boys bid Arakawa a cold goodbye. The sickle user lies dead in a pile with the rest of his cohorts.

Sakura is supposedly healed, but has not yet awoken. Kakashi drops his pack into Naruto's lap and hitches her on his back. For once, Naruto doesn't complain or demand Sasuke share the burden.

The discomfort they feel with themselves won't disappear anytime soon. They resent Arakawa, Vole and the entire team. They even resent their new Hokage. They kind of resent themselves a little bit, thought they don't know what it is they _should_ have done.

Kakashi sets a punishing pace, but they don't complain. They have an entire day's journey ahead of them and only five hours of light left.

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That night, Kakashi is the only one to keep watch. He tucks Sakura into her sleeping bag between Sasuke and Naruto, then plants himself at their feet, facing the forest.

In the morning they set out again, totally silent. Not even Naruto speaks for the rest of the day.

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Sakura awakes in the hospital and wonders how much of the last few months have been a dream.

She stares at the ceiling contemplating what she knows to be the truth and what she wishes were true instead. She aches with wounds that are gone. Her fist clenches around her hospital gown, over her stomach, then she traces over the dotted pattern, where the skin is slightly raised. It's poorly healed, it'll scar in a long line from her clavicle to her hip. The man who healed her had other talents and priorities. She clamps her left hand over her eyes and cries.

When the door opens, Sakura's tears have stopped, but she hasn't moved her hand. Her team takes up a vigil for her dying soul. She doesn't say a word.

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Kakashi can't spend any more time in hospitals. He just can't. So he leaves Sakura in the incompetent but well-meaning hands of her teammates in favor of figuring out a game plan for when she gets out.

That brat…

He doesn't know what to do.

Ever since the fight on the rooftop she's gotten out of hand. It started with anger at Sasuke, but he's come to realize that it's more than a fight; more than typical teenage resentment. There's something deeply wrong with Sakura.

Her temper's gotten shorter. Anyone who tries to talk to her gets their head bitten off. She doesn't do as she's told. She's an unknown quantity and thus, dangerous.

How is he going to get through to her?

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When she's well enough, Kakashi leads the convoy back to their shared apartment.

"How are you feeling?" he asks gently, when the door is closed behind them.

"Fine," she replies coldly.

"Boys, how's the soundproofing in this place?" Ever pleasant.

"Pretty good I guess," Naruto replies, "I never hear the neighbors doing it and you _know_ they do. Have you seen them-?"

"Thank you Naruto," a pause, "then I won't feel too bad about what's about to happen."

Kakashi grabs Sakura by the front of her shirt and lifts her up so they're nose to nose. "Are you out of your mind?" he growls. "You disobeyed a direct order from your commanding officer." He drops her to the ground unexpectedly, but she manages to catch herself. "You endangered the mission, your team and our charge. The fate of the entire village was in our hands and _you_ bungled it."

Sakura recovers from her shock quickly. "EXCUSE ME?!" She's never seen him so angry before.

"You put yourself at risk, got in the way and didn't protect your charge. That is unacceptable and I am this close to pulling you from active duty."

"Are you kidding me?! I didn't do anything Sasuke or Naruto don't do on a regular basis! Why do I always have to protect the client. I fought back!"

"You would have been killed-"

"Sasuke turned himself into a _pincushion_ on our first ever mission! Naruto stabs himself in the leg like biweekly. Explain to me how what I did is any different, Old Man!"

"You are disobedient, unruly, and incompetent. I don't have to explain anything to you, you're benched."

" _No I am NOT._ "

"ARE YOU SO DESPERATE TO BE ANGRY AND HATEFUL?!" The sudden roaring fury in Kakashi's eyes makes them all stumble back. "IS THAT WHAT YOU ASPIRE TOWARDS?"

"Sakura, stop," Sasuke tries to intervene without budging from his usual bored tone. It used to be that a word from him would stop her hysterics. Not anymore.

"AND YOU. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU DON'T SPEAK TO ME. DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME." She whips back around to Kakashi, "If it was such a hassle letting someone save me then by all means, next time _don't bother_. Just let me die."

"If you want to get yourself killed so badly, I can have that arranged, but it won't be on my watch."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that I wash my hands of you. Those who betray their comrades are worse than trash. You put your team in danger and you're not even sorry. You're a liability and you don't belong on this team."

Kakashi storms towards the door, the shouts of his students ignored.

"Kakashi-sensei, you've got to be kidding!" Naruto protests.

"You can't just-!"

With a feral scream Sakura throws her hands in the air and stomps to her room, slamming that door behind her.

Sasuke and Naruto stare at each other for a full minute, uncomprehending.

"Uhhhh," Naruto begins, eyes wide. "What the hell just happened?"

.

.

They met for training at the usual time.

Ever since they moved into Sasuke's apartment, they'd walked down to the bridge together. It did wonders for Naruto's punctuality. This morning, the boys cast surreptitious glances Sakura's way as she stalks along the path, arms crossed tightly. She hasn't spoken a word to either of them. The only acknowledgement they receive at all is a series of glares.

They're still processing that she almost died two days ago, so they can't find it within themselves to be angry with her just yet. Sakura has no such qualms.

Just to be contrary, she steams ahead and arrives first.

At the bridge, they take their usual spots to wait. It isn't a long one.

For the first time that any of them can remember, Kakashi arrives on time. He poofs into existence at the summit of the bridge. His one visible eye stares Sakura down. He doesn't even acknowledge the boys. "What did I say?"

"You say a lot of stuff," she replies.

Naruto, who has a healthy fear of his sensei whisper-screams _shut up shut up shut up!_

"You aren't welcome here," then, coldly, falsely pleasant. "You can go home now."

"No."

"I won't ask you again."

Sakura bravely meets her teacher's gaze and juts her chin out in open defiance.

"Leave!"

"Make me!"

"No problem!"

He picks her up by her collar, like an unruly puppy and teleports them both to Sasuke's apartment. "Don't come back until you can explain to me what you did wrong and can promise me that it'll never happen again."

"I _won't!_ I don't need you anyway, what did _you_ ever teach me, huh?"

"BETTER THAN THIS!" He roars.

She can't let him have the last word, "Was it worth it, wasting all that chakra to throw your weight around? Did it feel good?" She bites out. "We're all _real_ impressed."

"Reflect upon your actions and consider that unless you clean up your act you'll have nothing left to come back to."

"Is that a threat?"

"A warning," and it isn't anger she sees in his eyes when he looks over his shoulder on his way out. It's sadness. "Don't let the anger win."

.

.

Kakashi no longer knows what to do with her. He's not sure he ever did. He's doing his best, comforting her, placing her in the care of her boys. He could see it helping. It did them all a world of good to be together like that but the most unexpected side effects were the changes in Sasuke. He softened. He considered Naruto and Sakura's needs more carefully. Kakashi could see the effort the boy put into supporting them and he was proud. He didn't think he'd ever get here.

He wonders how he never realized. Sasuke, like any good Uchiha son, was very family oriented; dutiful. His loyalty is undying. Just because there's no one left, doesn't mean he stops being all of those things. Kakashi should have known that the best thing for Sasuke was to give him a family to be loyal to.

He never thought that would have an averse affect on Sakura. She's learned all the wrong lessons from Sasuke. He's been a bad influence on her, Kakashi miscalculated. Maybe if he separates them for a while it will do them some good. But it's not like he can make her move out…

No, that's crazy.

He never thought that she would be the difficult one. She's reached a stage of anger that's familiar to him, but not. How do you deal with that in a little girl? She can't be trusted to protect herself.

He's furious with her, he hates her, he loves her. He's terrified. Kakashi desperately needs to find a way to get her through her grief with minimal casualties.

Or, he needs to find someone else who can.

"I don't know what else to do," he confesses. "I'm at the end of my rope."

The Godaime Hokage considers him over her tented fingers. She thinks about the gouges in the hospital wall and the perfect chakra control of a natural. "And you feel that you aren't equipped to handle her because…?"

"She's turned into a brat-"

"You're not selling me on this idea…"

"-and I think the best thing for her would be to find a way to channel her anger."

Tsunade raises her eyebrows. "Into healing."

"If you like," he replies.

"I could teach her to make craters out of her anger too."

"As long as that crater isn't in my skull, that's fine by me."

Tsunade sucks her teeth and purses her lips, "I can't promise that, I'm more likely to encourage it."

"Good enough," he sighs.


	8. Chapter 8

_if you can't hold on, hold on  
_ Chapter 8

.

.

Sasuke does the cooking and dishes. Naruto vacuums and dusts. Sakura cleans the bathroom and the kitchen.

The shower drain is a multicolored nest of hair and the sink is looking grimy. Sasuke grinds his teeth every time he looks at the kitchen counter but on principle, he can't clean it. He made a chore wheel for a reason!

Sakura hardly leaves her room. She never spends any time in the common spaces. Sasuke hasn't seen her in three days. Where does she go every day, while still recovering? He doesn't care. Definitely not. It's just baffling is all. And he refuses to ask Naruto. Even though he knows he knows. The blond is the more belligerent roommate of the two. He plants himself in the kitchen or the living room and stares at him. Sometimes he'll give Sasuke shit about things that aren't at all his problem. Mostly he complains about Kakashi-sensei.

That's the other thing. Naruto hasn't been coming to training. _Out of solidarity._

Sasuke wakes up at 6am and rolls over to look at Naruto. The other boy is out cold and facing the wall. He wonders if he's putting his back to him consciously, or if it's a subconscious manifestation of his anger. It's a weird change. Sakura is angry. Kakashi is angry. Naruto is angry. Sasuke is just tired.

He gets out of bed, dresses and heads for the kitchen. He pauses outside the door of the second bedroom for a moment before moving on.

The smell of breakfast won't wake either teammate. Or, if it did, he would never know about it. They won't leave their rooms.

He fries a couple of eggs and breaks them over cold leftover rice.

The walk to the training grounds is quiet. It bothers Sasuke; how used to the chatter he's become. He waits for Kakashi at the bridge. He doesn't have long to wait though, Kakashi has been on time for the past three days.

Sasuke doesn't like when patterns are broken. It makes him anxious. He feels like everything's falling apart and the hateful voice in his head tells him that it doesn't matter… but it does.

"No Naruto today?" Kakashi asks, cheerfully, like he's inquiring about tomorrow's weather.

"No Sakura either." Sasuke tells him, and he's unable to keep the spite from his voice.

He shows up, because that's what a good shinobi does. They report for duty on time, ready to work. He needs to get stronger and he can't do that if he doesn't train. Naruto doesn't seem to understand that. He thinks he's betraying Sakura by showing up at all. _Solidarity_ won't change Kakashi's mind though, letting their muscles atrophy won't teach him a lesson.

"Then I guess we'll work one-on-one on some more advanced techniques," Kakashi takes a stance, "Just like we did before the chunin exams."

With Naruto and Sakura gone, Sasuke doesn't have to share his sensei with teammates. He has the undivided attention of a master who can make him stronger, better and more powerful. He doesn't have to waste time on teamwork exercises or correcting his teammates form.

He doesn't need it. He doesn't need them. When he faces off against Itachi, it won't be with partners. He'll be by himself. And when his brother is dead, he'll finally be truly alone.

Sasuke shakes away that unpleasant thought. He isn't the last Uchiha yet. He doesn't have to think about it until it happens. He doesn't even expect to survive.

Except now he's stuck on the thought. What would it do to Naruto and Sakura if he were to die fighting his brother? It would kill them. He's not stupid. He knows they care about him. They'd die for him. It's for the best then, that Team 7 is falling apart. Maybe, if they all hate each other, it won't hurt. He should kick them out. He should try harder not to care, but it's like every time he does, something happens that forces him to admit that he _does_.

At the end of the session, lying panting and depleted on the ground, Sasuke achieves a moment of clarity. "She isn't like us." Which he's always known, but he's not sure Kakashi does. "You can reason with her."

Kakashi seems to find this amusing. "And I can't with you?"

"She still cares what you think."

"Ah." Kakashi sighs and rubs the back of his neck, "You're chatty today."

Fine then. He's done talking for the day. "Hn."

Kakashi takes this for the dismissal that it is and leaves first. Sasuke's too tired to move quite yet.

.

.

Sakura discovers something new about herself. Gentle encouragement does not work. But Spite does.

She's out of the house before her teammates wake up.

It's 5am and she's barely awake, but she can't stand the thought of running into either of them in the hall. She forces herself out of bed and into the cold morning air.

At first she sits on a boulder in Training Ground #14. She doesn't know what to do. She's never planned a training regimen before. Eventually sitting turns to meditating. Sort of accidentally. She doesn't want to think about things, so she doesn't. But soon, meditating becomes difficult; all the painful thoughts she doesn't want to think bump against her subconscious until they propel her to her feet.

So she starts with what she's good at. She practices chakra control. She holds herself upside-down on a tree limb until she almost passes out from the blood rushing to her head. She does all the katas she knows on the surface of the pond. She feels the chakra flow through her network and consciously tries to control its route.

She thinks about the medic nin who healed her, and what a poor job he did. She wonders if he was incompetent or if he just didn't care. Maybe he saw her life as a waste of chakra. Sometimes she feels like he was right.

Sakura needs to prove him wrong. She needs to be better. But she can't do that by herself. She can't go to her sensei either.

The conclusion is obvious, where does anyone go to learn anything? The library.

From then on, she makes it a point each day to go to the military library. It's an archive of history, lineage and techniques. All active shinobi have access… to parts of it. There are levels of clearance and the wild-haired librarian with sharp almond shaped eyes is not someone to be taken lightly.

She starts with the chakra network. And medical ninjutsu. It strikes her as incredibly useful. Why doesn't every team have a medic? Why don't more people become medic nins? She comes to realize there are three reasons:

1) Shinobi want to be in the field and in the fight.

2) Medicnin are targets. Strategically, the wisest course is to attack them first.

3) It's too difficult for most people to manage it.

Every healing technique is high-level jutsu. It takes precision, control, power and determination.

"So that's where it's gone."

Sakura looks up, but she's been straining her eyes in the dim corner for so long that her eyes need a second to refocus. When they do, she gasps. "H-Hokage-sama!"

Tsunade rests her right fist on her cocked hip, "How'd you get your hands on that, Kid?"

Sakura's eyes widen while she struggles to come up with a good enough lie. "Uuuuh…" _Masterful Sakura, great._ "I found it?"

"Mhmm," she hums, unimpressed. "Where?"

"…On the returns cart."

Tsunade gestures, indicating she should stand. Sakura does as she's told. She holds out her hand for the book and the girl gives it to her. "Smart, much easier than sneaking it out of its section," she comments while leafing through the book.

Sakura shrugs as if to say it was nothing.

"You're interested in medical ninjutsu?" She purposely makes her tone skeptical, which makes Sakura's hackles rise.

"I'm looking for a challenge."

"Well, you'll definitely find it in here. This isn't where I'd advise you start." And with that, she snaps the book shut and walks away, taking it with her. "I'm sure there's something more your speed in the level D section."

She's steaming mad and she knows exactly what to do. Sakura learns best when the deck is stacked against her, when she's out of options, when nobody thinks she can win.

She's going to win over the Hokage and make her her teacher.

.

.

"Crap, I have to go." The clock on the wall behind the counter at Yamanaka Flower Shop reads 1:45pm. "I'll see you later Pig."

Ino rolls her eyes as Sakura dashes for the door. "Whatever Forehead, do what you've gotta do."

Sakura sticks her tongue out at her friend and flicks her hair before dashing out. It's getting long again and she's not sure that she likes it. She was so upset about it when it happened, but she's gotten used to it being short. She's noticed how in-the-way it's been lately. And it's so much work to maintain, she just doesn't have the energy for it anymore. Some days she doesn't have the energy to shower. Why did she keep it so long in the first place?

Oh yeah, _Sasuke-kun_ likes girls with short hair. She could just puke. She wanted to be pretty, to fit in, to be loved and accepted.

What does that matter now? She's all alone.

Her parents are dead. Her teacher abandoned her and her Team will be better off without her.

Fine. She doesn't need them. She's going to prove them all wrong.

She's got an appointment with destiny!

.

.

A sweet-faced woman with dark hair named Shizune leads her into the Hokage's office for her two o'clock appointment.

Tsunade doesn't look up from her paperwork until the door snaps closed behind her. "Oh," she sounds unsurprised, "It's you."

"It's me," Sakura says self-consciously.

"What can I do for you kid? You can't have the book back, sorry to say."

"Don't worry, I already memorized it."

"You already memorized it?"

"…Yeah."

She's good at books. Books, Sakura understands. People? Not so much. Except sometimes she thinks she really really does. Then sometimes she turns out to be very wrong. She thinks of her teammates, whom she hasn't seen in days. She shakes off the melancholy and straightens her spine.

 _Toughen up Sakura, you can do this._

"How many bones are in your right hand?"

"27."

"How much water can your kidneys process in a day?"

"Combined or separate?"

"Combined."

"28 litres."

"Well, that's a neat trick." Like a dog. Or a trained seal. _Okay_.

"I need…" she hesitates.

"Yes?"

"Uh…"

"Don't waste my time. Come back when-"

"I need someone to teach me!"

"Is this you asking _me?_ "

"Yes! Please!"

"No."

"No?"

"Can't do it. Too busy."

"But-!"

"Have a nice day!" When she turns back to her paperwork, Sakura knows she's lost the battle.

But not the war.

.

.

The next night, Sakura waits for Tsunade outside of Hokage Tower. She leans against the stucco wall, with her arms crossed, eyes trained upward. The streetlamps have just switched on, blotting out the stars with their light pollution.

Tsunade strolls right past her and she runs to catch up.

"Godaime-sama!"

"Hm?" she half turns. "Oh, it's you."

Hell yeah it is. "I thought about what you said. And I know you're busy, but think of it like an investment. In the long run I would _save_ you time, because I could do things like do your paperwork or fill in at the hospital for you."

"Good pitch. Still not interested." She laughs. "And you really think you could fill in for me? There's a reason they gave me the giant hat and it's not because I'm easily replaceable."

Sakura's eyes widen, "That's not what I meant at all! I just mean… I could help you!"

"No."

"I could!"

"I'm sure you'd try, but I'm not sure I want to _invest_ my time."

.

.

"What are you doing?" Kakashi demands, confronting Tsunade at the bar only an hour later. "You agreed you'd do it."

"I want to know how bad she wants it." She turns to the bartender. "Another bottle please."

"She's good."

"So?"

"She's talented."

"That's just another word for good."

"You said you would do it."

The bartender comes back with two cups and a bottle. Tsunade moves the second cup to her other side, out of Kakashi's reach and pours herself a few ounces. "Why should I invest my time, when you don't even want to? She's your responsibility."

Kakashi glances at the ceiling and prays for patience. "I don't know how to help her."

"Uh huh."

"I don't! I can't be what she needs. She needs someone better than me." He rubs his eyes, under the forehead protector. "I can't get through to her or make her stronger. She's nothing like me."

"Ha!"

He doesn't get why that's funny.

"She's exactly like you. You just don't see it yet."

Kakashi wants to throw his hands up in the air but he doesn't. He needs to think. Just to be a bitch, he steals her bottle of sake and takes a swig before slamming it down on the bar and heading for the exit.

"I'll give them this," Tsunade says to herself before taking a delicate sip of her sake. "They're determined."

.

.

He's so worried he can't even concentrate on his smut. It's truly dire.

Kakashi really thought that Team 7 would benefit from being together. And they have, he thinks… But Naruto and Sasuke have benefitted more. They've softened and calmed. They consider each other's needs. And each other's pain.

That ended when Sasuke spoke to Sakura that way. His rage lit the fuse of her fury. It was the catalyst that made their progress go up in flames. But he still cares. He defended her. Maybe he doesn't have to separate them. Maybe there's hope for them after all.

But Sakura is still a danger to herself and others.

Sasuke's words come to him and he sighs. He has to fix this with _words?_ Outrageous.

.

.

"Good morning!"

Sakura shrieks and almost falls out of bed.

It's dark out, darker than her usual 5am wakeup.

"Hush, you'll wake the boys."

Sakura leaps to a standing position. The mattress bounces beneath her. And there's Kakashi-sensei, balancing in a crouch on her footboard.

"So?" she spits.

"You guys are so cute. Come on." He shoves his hands in his pockets and moves to the window.

"I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Sure you are, now come on."

And despite herself, she follows.

Kakashi leads her out the window and onto the roof of the apartment building. He takes a seat on the ledge and pats the spot next to him.

"Oh so you have time for me now?"

"Stop being a brat and sit down."

She does as she's told, several feet from where he's sitting.

"Come on," Kakashi says in a conciliatory tone, "Do you want me to have to yell?"

"Why?" she replies, "Are you hard of hearing Old Man?"

"Stop calling me Old Man," he complains, but off her cutting glare he sighs. "Fine. Maybe I deserve that."

Sakura crosses her arms and looks towards the horizon to avoid looking at him. Her feelings are hurt. She feels abandoned and tired. She was going to give it another go with Tsunade-sama today, but she's feeling a little discouraged. What if she never says yes? She's out of options. If she can't go on missions, she can't make any money. And what's she supposed to do every day? She can't be goalless. It's a state that leaves her alone with her thoughts, and they are her worst companions.

"Oh, I guess I should talk first." He hadn't expected Sakura to apologize first but he really thought after following her around for the past couple days that she'd be a little contrite. She's obviously unhappy with the way things are. "I'm sorry."

She tries to hide her surprise.

He explains the best he can. "I just want to make you see what path you're going down. It doesn't lead anywhere good. Trust me."

"How would you know?" she mumbles.

They're quiet for a while, until Kakashi gathers the courage to tell her the truth. "Did you know that… my father committed suicide?" she gasps. "I was the one who found him. I used to be angry. So angry. And there was nothing to fight, no enemy to beat. The only thing I could direct my anger at was him, and myself. And the world."

"…How old were you?"

"Very young," he says sadly, "I know now that when someone kills themselves it's because they've lost a very long battle against themselves. I _know_ that it's a sickness. But that doesn't change the fact that I lost him. I lost a lot of people."

He tells her the story of his team; of Obito and Rin. "I loved them, but I couldn't do it properly until it was too late. I almost didn't go back for her, but Obito gave me some tough love. He made me see. I want better for the three of you. What you have is precious. You need to hold on to it."

There are tears in her eyes as she whispers, "I'm not sure I know how."

"Yes you do. You've always known. You held them together when things got tough. Let them be there for you too."

She swipes at her eyes as the tears fall. Kakashi scoots closer and lays a gentle hand on her shoulder. "When Sasuke and Naruto… Did you tell them all this?"

"No," he admits. "I know you guys are all different. I was trying to give you an ultimatum, make you see that what you were doing was dangerous. I was trying to scare you straight. I'm not very good at this." She giggles. "I was treating you like I'd treat them, but I also wasn't. That kind of thing wouldn't have worked on them. They'd never find their way back, but you?"

"I need them more than they need me," she says sadly.

"Nah, that's not it," he searches for the words. "You're willing to admit when you need them." It's not strictly true, but he thinks he can remind her that she's supposed to be the mature one. "I don't tell them this kind of stuff because you can't reason with a knucklehead or a robot."

Sakura giggles again, "No, I guess you can't. I don't know if I can forgive him though. I don't know how to stop what I'm feeling."

"You don't have to. But I'm worried that if you don't wake up and look around, your family might not wait around. You can't be angry forever or you'll push them away."

"It's not fair. Sasuke gets to be angry all the time, and I'm supposed to just forget it?"

"'Gets to'," he snorts. "Don't tell him I said this, but you're stronger than he is-" Off her sudden laugh, "No. Really. You're more resilient. You process, while he's stuck. Do you want my advice?"

"Not really."

He snorts, "Damn kids."

Sakura rolls her eyes but can't help the fond smile that blossoms in time with the first peek of morning sunshine over the horizon.

"All the love you feel for the people you lost, put that into something new. Love your team, love your family as much as you can. Instead of focusing on your anger, concentrate on protecting the people you love. _That_ will make you strong. I'd tell him that too if I thought he would listen, but he likes to make his own mistakes."

"You think he'll figure it out?"

"I think he already knows. He just doesn't _know_ he knows."

Sakura realizes something else about herself that night. More than gentle encouragement, more than spite, the will to protect the things that matter to her, motivates her best.

.

.

The Godaime has a reputation among the higher ranks of shinobi. She's in the Bingo Book for a reason. She's tough. And deadly. Her healing powers are the least of people's worries when they encounter her. She is a fearsome choice in Hokage, her status as a sanin alone dissuades other villages from interfering. She doesn't wonder what her own forces thing of her; the truly powerful have no need to care.

She's still new. Konoha has been in a rebuilding stage. Her work has mostly been commissioning repairs, rebuilds and restructuring.

Her first disciplinary meeting begins with a silent staring contest. An ANBU officer with a mask painted like a Vole. His squad stands at attention behind him. "You deemed this mission a success."

"Yes ma'am. The envoy arrived safely and the enemy nin were drawn out and eliminated or brought in for questioning," he relays the facts with a detached tone.

"I see. But there were unforeseen complications."

"A member of the genin squad tasked with accompanying Arakawa and baiting the enemy was injured in action."

Tsunade snorts, "Yes, I saw your handiwork when she arrived at the hospital."

Because of the mask, it's unclear if he looks abashed. Or makes any expression at all.

"Consider some remedial courses. That was shoddy fieldwork and you can do better. Additionally-" Her eyes flash, her anger bubbling to the surface. "I'm not sure how my predecessor ran things, but under my administration, we do not unnecessarily endanger _genin._ We prioritize the lives of Konoha citizens, even at the expense of the mission. Am I making myself clear?"

"Yes ma'am!" The ANBU squad affirm together.

"Dismissed." They flashstep away, leaving the Hokage alone with her burdens. "…Fools."

It's her last meeting of the day, so she decides to leave the pile of paperwork for tomorrow. She takes the long way, climbing down the spiral staircase instead of leaping out the window. Just as she's about to walk out of the lobby, there's a flash of pink and suddenly Sakura Haruno's upside-down face is four inches away from hers.

The girl hangs from the ceiling. She looks cheerful and full of a vigor that's been lacking since the first time she met her.

She sways side to side, grinning. "Hokage-sama, please just hear me out."

Tsunade has to laugh. "Why do you want this so bad? You've come to me three times, and I've said no every time."

"I want to become stronger… and I have this feeling that you can help me do that."

"Why do you want to become stronger?"

She doesn't hesitate. "I want to protect the people I love. I want to be able to fight at their side. For once, I don't want to be staring at their backs. I want them to watch mine."

Tsunade considers her for a moment.

Sakura waits, with baited breath.

"You pass."

"Huh?"

Tsunade slides around her and heads for the door, waving over her shoulder. "We start tomorrow. At a reasonable hour, like 11."

She's so surprised that her feet become unglued from the ceiling. She falls with a shriek but lands laughing.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Naruto's grand plan to get Sakura back on Team 7 will come to him any day now. He's sure of it. They can't just _not_ be a team anymore. That would be crazy. In the meantime, it's kind of been a good vacation. He gets to sleep in every day, he hardly ever needs to see Sasuke's stupid face. On the other hand, he never gets to see Sakura. She's not talking to any of them. It doesn't matter what he says or how he pleads. She won't open her door when she's home and she won't tell him where she's going when she leaves.

As he takes the long way home from hanging out with Chouji and Shikamaru, he turns over the problem in his head. He just needs to try harder—maybe do something nice for her. He'll treat her to ramen! The thought of it makes his stomach rumble and the phantom scent tickle his nostrils.

He opens the front door to the apartment and nearly trips over his own feet.

Sakura is standing at the stove, ladling broth into two bowls. She smiles tentatively at him before biting her lip. "Hi."

"…Hi."

Awkwardly, she gestures to the kitchen table, which is already set with chopsticks, spoons, napkins and glasses of water. "I made ramen."

He can see that. It smells amazing.

In a daze, he drops into the chair kitty-corner from hers. She sets his bowl in front of him and he glances between it and her, then back again. He doesn't touch it. He wants to know what's happening. She's being her normal self, someone he hasn't seen in what feels like forever.

Sakura seems to sense his apprehension. "I'm really sorry Naruto."

"You don't have to be-"

"Yes I do," she swallows, "I want to make sure you know that I wasn't angry with you and I shouldn't have shut you out like that. I was mad at Kakashi-sensei and Sasuke-kun and a bunch of other stuff, but I shouldn't have taken it out on you. You were just trying to be a good friend."

He shrugs, honestly it wasn't much different than when she'd yell at him before.

"It's not okay and you didn't deserve that." She takes his hands and so many feelings well inside him. He tries to think of the last time someone said they were sorry and meant it. He can't recall. "You're a really good friend." Naruto's face heats and he demurs. No one's ever said that about him either. He's torn between tears and smiles, so he splits the difference.

Wow.

He sniffles. "Thank you Sakura-chan. And this looks awesome!"

Forgoing the chopsticks, he tips the bowl directly into his mouth. And coughs.

"Oh my god."

"Good? I made it a little spicy…"

"Sakura, I'm so sorry, I really appreciate the thought but this is _terrible._ "

.

.

It's the only apology she owes and Sakura is satisfied with that. She never dreamed it would be difficult, but everything went over so easy with Naruto that she almost feels guiltier now than she did before.

Getting what she wants from Sasuke will be way more difficult. She has no hopes for an apology, but she'd settle for some semblance of understanding. And it would take her entire arsenal of everything she's learned about him since being put on the same team. The most important of which, is this:

 _If you want Sasuke to understand something, you have to beat it into him._

 _._

 _._

Sasuke does not apologize. The last time he was made to, he was eight years old and his mom threatened not to let him play with Itachi until it was done. There hasn't been anyone in a position to make him do anything for a long time. From age eight to twelve he has been beholden to no one.

Now he's doing things like buying groceries for three and making sure he buys the lactose free milk so that N aruto doesn't hog the bathroom excessively. He's taking into account people's feelings. He has _roommates_.

He tried to reason with Kakashi.

Naruto was going about it all wrong. You can't change someone's mind if you don't engage with them. Instead of not showing up, Sasuke was belligerent right to his face. Hopefully he took some of it to heart. Maybe he even talked to Sakura. Stranger things have happened.

He wouldn't say he's sorry… but he hates the way things are now. Everything is much better when Team 7 is together.

It's more efficient, he tells himself. He needs sparring partners, he reasons.

He misses them, he refuses to admit.

.

.

He's so predictable; it's easy to ambush Sasuke while he's training.

Sakura lands directly behind him while he takes a breather between kick exercises. He doesn't turn around. He does that annoying thing where he keeps his back to you but says your name like he knew you were there the whole time— _tool._

"What do you want?" he tries to be intimidating but to her ears he just sounds apprehensive, like he's priming himself for being yelled at.

"I wanna talk."

He whirls half around, "Seriously?"

"No," she goes for the knees; manages to knock him over, but can't dodge the elbow he jabs into her side. Sakura rolls to the side, coughing. "I came to," another cough, "kick your ass."

She can't believe her ears, he actually snorts at her. It makes her blood boil. "PREPARE YOURSELF YOU JERK!"

Sasuke rolls his eyes and takes a reluctant defensive stance. Nobody moves for a long moment. "Well? Come kick my ass," he mocks.

Sakura isn't stupid. She knows in an all-out fight she's no match for him. Yet. He's got the Sharingan and Chidori on his side. But she has boiling, undiluted rage sublimating into pure adrenaline.

His first punch lands on her shoulder. "Ow!"

"Seriously?!" _He fell for it!_

"NO!" She takes advantage of his exasperated pause and grabs his fist and twists, throwing him over her shoulder and onto the ground. She bends at the waist to glare into his eyes, "Take me seriously," she warns, "Or I'll take you down."

"Fine." He windmill kicks, sweeping her legs out from under her. He jumps on her, pinning her to the dirt. "Are you coming back to training or what."

"Why? Do you miss me?" She hooks her knee around his thigh and flips them, holding him down by her forearm against his neck.

"You wish." He flips them again. "Give up yet?"

"Never," then she bites his wrist so hard that he shrieks.

"SAKURA, WHAT THE FU-!" with a sharp thrust of her palm she bloodies his nose and scurries back ten feet.

This isn't what she came here for, but it sure is satisfying.

He comes at her again, and kicks her in the gut, sending her flying into a tree trunk. Winded, she slides to the dirt among the roots. "I don't need you, you know. You can retire for all I care. You _and_ Naruto."

She grunts and spits out a wad of blood, "Keep telling yourself that."

"I was right and if you can't handle your emotions, that's not my problem."

" _My_ emotions?" How did she never see what a sanctimonious ass he could be? And such a hypocrite. "You don't get to lecture me about handling my emotions and not getting angry. You're the angriest person I've ever met and you almost _killed Naruto."_

She attacks with taijutsu, punches and kicks that would be bruising if she could only land a hit. He dodges but doesn't counter. She can see the frustration in his features and it vindicates something in her to know she's getting to him.

 _"_ I get to be mad at the world. I get to be mad at Sound and I _definitely_ get to be mad at _you._ You didn't _invent_ loneliness okay? We're all sad. We're all angry. We've all lost things. The difference between you and me is that you have somewhere to direct your anger." She goes for another kick, only to find her leg tangled up in razor thin wires. She can see the other end held in his fist. He tugs and more of them tighten around her arms. Their sharpness forces her to be still.

"There is literally nothing I can do," fuck, she's crying now. "There's no one to get vengeance on. Nothing I can achieve that will erase it. What happened to you was awful. You lost your whole family and I only lost my parents… but they were all I had. I'm sorry that you had more to lose. I don't know what to do now. Everything feels different. All I know is that you, Naruto and Kakashi are all that's left."

"My brother did it." His voice prompts her to look up. He glares at the floor and his fist loosens around her bonds. "I don't know what it changes, but it was him. I hate him so much and I will kill him." He cannot admit that he loved him once. That would humanize him in ways that 12-year-old Sasuke is not prepared for. "I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that," he admits. "You still think you want to be like me? I'm going to kill my own brother. Does that scare you?"

She will not be baited. "I'm nothing like you," she lies, "And you don't scare me," she lies again. "You don't have to be nice, but you do have to respect me."

He considers her for a moment, then his grip loosens the rest of the way. The wires drop and he holds out his fist. She bumps it with hers and the move feels at once foreign and cathartic.

"I'm still mad at you."

Sasuke rolls his eyes, but his lips twitch. "I'm mad at you too."

.

.

The nurse at triage takes one look at the two of them; Sakura with her criss cross of cuts, Sasuke with his crooked nose and sighs. "Can't you take care of this yourself?"

Sakura beams, "Of course! It's not for me. He's so pretty, it'd be a shame if I disfigured him permanently. Hearts would break all over Konoha!"

He shoots her a cutting glare but doesn't argue. He's a little vain too.

The nurse looks unamused and gestures for them to sit.

Sasuke plans to sit in silence for the next seven hours while more important injuries are taken care of, but Sakura makes it impossible. She might be trying to punish him by being as annoying as possible. She talks about Naruto and Ino and that stupid firefighting turtle show. And he definitely doesn't care that this feels almost normal.

"What are you doing here?"

Sasuke snaps out of ignoring Sakura to stare at the Godaime Hokage, standing imposing and tall over them as they sit in a pair of cheap plastic folding chairs. "It has nothing to do with the Magekyou," he is quick to reassure.

"Not you," the Hokage says drily, "It's very clear what you're here for." Then she pinches his nose between her glowing green pointer and thumb, then _twists._

He shouts at the crack, but the pain quickly subsides. He rubs his nose and dried flecks of blood come away, but it feels like the correct shape.

"Sakura."

"Shisou!"

"I hope you didn't come in for those scrapes."

"No ma'am."

"I'll have no apprentice of mine embarrassing me and wasting a doctor's time."

"Of course ma'am."

"I'll show you how to fix them yourself up tomorrow, after that you'll have to start coming to training with injuries or else we'll have nothing to do."

"I could always bring him," Sakura offers, jerking a thumb in Sasuke's direction.

"Sure you could, but if you fuck up you could blow a leg off. That might be the wrong kind of motivation. Now scram."

"Yes ma'am!" Sakura giggles and grabs Sasuke's arm, dragging him outside.

"You made me listen to you talk about Ino's haircut but you didn't mention _that?"_

.

.

 _Earlier…_

 _Kakashi scooches closer on the roof and bumps shoulders with Sakura, who's been staring at her swinging feet for several minutes now._

 _"I'm tired of being mad, I don't want to feel anything anymore."_

 _"You don't want that."_

 _"Yes I do. It hurts_ all the time _… I just want to be strong. Like you. I don't want to cry anymore."_

 _Kakashi stares out at the sunrise and feels the ancestral guilt of a hundred generations of shinobi, all the teachings that led a 12-year-old girl to think it was wrong to mourn. "I don't want you to be like me," he admits, "I want you to be better. I want better for you."_

 _Her tired smile rewards him, golden light reflected warmly. Maybe he can do right by these kids._

 _He's not doing_ too _bad._

.

.

 ** _a/n:_** I'm back! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I've been thinking a lot about how 12-year-olds act and respond to things. I'm trying to capture their age and immaturity. The way they can try to have a reasoned conversation but end up kind of talking _at_ each other, as is the case with Sakura and Sasuke.

And to the person who got eight chapters in so that they could cuss me out about how 'unfeminist' I've been writing Sakura; You Need To Calm Down. Portraying female anger and sadness is transgressive and a female character who does no wrong is not the pinnacle of feminism, it's just bad storytelling. And I couldn't even tell what your problem was because your review was all asterisks ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

I love knowing what you think and I'm receptive to constructive feedback, my inbox is always open for chats and you can find me as fiercyy on tumblr 3


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